I've commented on this blog before about my struggles with prescription psychiatric medication in the 1990s. I feel like I'm still recovering from those years yet I feel like there's something missing. I'm a big believer in the serenity prayer and I've become a much stronger spiritual person yet I'm not sure I've truly recovered as I need to. I looked up the 12 Steps again and it just doesn't seem to apply. The 12 Steps overwhelmingly feels like what you do when you abused drugs on purpose, like you just wanted to get high for no reason and didn't give a damn if you hurt anyone or not. My situation is the exact opposite. I tried to fix psychiatric issues and ended up fucking the whole thing up by overdoing a bad combination of drugs. I honestly don't know if I'm supposed to feel guilty or not. I intended the EXACT OPPOSITE of harm. Why do I need to be guilt tripped like the 12 Steps tend to do? Why do I need to "make amends to the people I'd wronged" when there was no harm intended? If anything, the only person I ended up hurting was myself without intending to. So I had a huge drug problem with uppers and downers I didn't intend to have AND I didn't take the drugs for fun AT ALL. I did it because I felt like I had to. Is there a program for this kind of thing because the 12 Steps don't really apply here. I'd spend time making up steps myself but I have no intention of working my ass off and being completely ignored as usual. If I come up with something brilliant, I want to actually be rewarded for once.
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