The life frustrations of a 42 year old bipolar man

It's 2:36 AM EST here in Florida, USA. I'm currently listening to a techno song on my IPOD. It's by Christopher S featuring Tommy Clint. "Tear Down the House." As I listen to it, I think of dreams, dreams that I had when I was a teenager, namely to be the front man of a musical group. I didn't want to play an instrument. I wanted to strut my stuff as a front man. I can sing but I've never gone forward with the idea. That said, I've had a very hit and miss life. What I've done well, I've done very well. The other end isn't so much what I've done poorly so much as what I haven't done at all. I feel secure enough in myself to post that I'm very sexually inexperienced and haven't had a girlfriend since I was 22 in 1996. There have been some opportunities but nothing I wanted to act on. It's usually been the girls I want don't want me; the girls that want me I don't want. Anyway, I'm bipolar. My luck with women faded around the time I was diagnosed (1995.) I'm much more of a clean liver since those college days but I can't score. I'm good looking but I'm unemployed and working on writing a novel. It's very good and very long but I don't delude myself that it will sell. I have no clue how to make money and I'm not healthy enough to work full time and I can't find a part time job to fit me. I must admit that I see many women as gold diggers naturally. Women need security and go for the money. It's not that they're very shallow and don't love men but they're the baby birthers and they need financial security and stability. That leaves me out. No money. No love. I don't consider myself a loser. To me, winners and losers are people that become good people, good human beings. This is a tough thing to do in our world and the most humane people are the biggest winners. That said, I can't delude myself that I'm a material winner because I'm a big loser in that area. I grew up with excellent grades and I was an all conference baseball player that was known for game winning hits and being able to handle pressure. As I my bipolar disorder kicked in, I couldn't do anything without feeling so anxious I could barely move. A clutch and cocky guy had become a wreck that just couldn't do life anymore. I often couldn't even do the basics like raising a glass to my lips without shaking so badly I'd almost drop it. I was horrified to see I was going to need a lot of help in my life and I would never be able to live the happy life I wanted to live, namely one of independence and success. I wanted to conquer the world and I had the talent to go far. Then the death sentence diagnosis. I often put a good spin on the situation and there's much to be said for a positive spin. Some nights, like this one, though, send me to the keyboard. I'm living that life of quiet desperation. I'm writing an excellent book, literature, that is meaningful and inspiring but it's about people in the mental health system. That's not a popular subject. I can claim a certain amount of artistic and intellectual snobishness but it can't hide my material reality all the time. I'm struggling greatly and I'm very sad about it. I plow forward with a book that's becoming my own personal War and Peace for several years now with it being my only hope for any money. I survive on charity; my Dad pays my rent and I survive on disability for the rest. I'm desperate. Very desperate. I'm not sure how much of it is illness or my own fears but I feel like I'm swimming as hard as I can against an incredible current in my face. I'm paddling as hard as I can but I know I can never reach shore. Happy people are often next to me but a million miles away, too. They're in a place I just couldn't reach, for whatever reason. So I struggle with frustration, trying to not let it come down on me like a piano falling on me from out of the sky. It's just so hard; so hard to do things I used to breeze through. I need to cry but I'm so resigned to my life that sadness is unnecessary. I feel like I had my death sentence years ago. Now, it's about doing the best I can just to stay sane for two minutes. I'm not going to make it as a front man.