Of all the things in my life, money and everything to do with it probably confused me the most. I say that in a spiritual sense. As I have become an enormously spiritual person, I see money as an evil. Not a necessary evil. Just an evil. I think money is disgusting and repulsive. It's an immortal tool people use to dominate and control others. It's a vessel for producing pain. For me, acts of kindness are free and should be free. I commit acts of kindness without any thought of payment because that's where the pure spirt of goodness lies IMO. I fully understand the basics of economics and how money is seen by us arrogant humans as a wonderful invention meant to facilitate the flow of goods and services blah blah blah. Economics is cold, empty and robotic, three reasons why I've always hated it. It's lifeless materialism. All this said, I worry about my life as I'm disabled and have no job thus I have no money. This is the confusing part. I know my feelings about it but I still have to live in this shitty world and I don't want to be thrown out on the street. So making money is apparently important. How do I do so? Or do I sit back and let God (meaning family) take care of me my whole life? Try as I might, I can't not be a nihilist about money. It's so important to so many people and it just makes me sick. The times in my life I've pursued money, I've had prescription drug addictions and did it merely to live and because it was just want people do, which makes me feel like a coward. That makes me think money is a product of nothing but physical evolution, which is illusion and fleeting. I hate rich people who exist just to make money. I want to take their money not for myself but to just destroy it and ask them who they feel then. I bet they'd have no calling at all. The next day they'd wake up and ask what they need to do to make more money. It's the Id impulse. Humans scurry like lizards to make enough to anesthetize themselves to the pains of life or make tons to dish pain out. As I get older, I can't not see life in a much more Manichean way. All that really matters is the spirit, the light in us all. All the physical does is clutter and corrupt us. Or am I just a dumb asshole who doesn't get anything? Younger Jeff Riley would look at me as confused deadbeat philosopher, which is what I've become. Younger Jeff would hate older Jeff as older Jeff hates younger Jeff. I hate what I once was.
