This is just a wise ass Onion style story about American Pharaoh winning the Belmont last year. It's a year old but I liked the concept. Pardon the lack of paragraphs but the damn thing wouldn't let me do it.
HEADLINE:
"AMERICA BREATHES SIGH OF RELIEF NOW THAT GOD DAMNED HORSE THING IS OVER."
America's Triple Crown drought ended this past Saturday when American Pharaoh won the Belmont Stakes by a commanding 5 1/2 lengths, becoming the nation's first Triple Crown winner since 1977 when Affirmed took
the title.
"Thank fucking God," said Montana sports fan Gabe McInerney. "All we've heard on ESPN the last month and every June for the last 38 fucking years is how America hasn't had a damn horse that could win three races in a row. Is it a man that does anything? No. It's a fucking HORSE! Are we starved for national heroes so bad that we have to pay attention to and worship a damn brainless glue factory reject? I live in flippin' Montana! What the hell do I care about horse racing? All I can say is "Thank God our "national nightmare" is over. Thank fucking God."
Reaction from the horse's trainer, Bob Baffert, was more subdued.
"We've always had high hopes for American Pharaoh. He has terrific bloodlines and we've always had a strong belief he could win the Triple Crown. It's just a great feeling having a Triple Crown winner again after all these years!"
When told of Baffert's comments, Mr. McInerney offered: "Well, of course, he's fucking happy! How much fucking money does that guy make from all that shit? He's a flippin' millionaire that's probably on his yacht in the French Riviera right now while I have to fix my damn siding so my walls don't crumble to
pieces this winter."
Mr. McInerney then cupped his hands and said loudly: "Hey, Baffert! Here's what you can do with your damn horse!" before slapping his bottom with his right hand.
Baffert has stated plans for running American Pharaoh in the upcoming Haskell Invitational.
"We're just so happy he was able to give America what it so desperately wanted. A Triple Crown winner.”
