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Wednesday, January 24, 2018
Secret Santa - My Pain
This is very hard for me to talk about as I'm realizing now thinking about it. It's a situation that happened to me around age 11 or 12. We had recently moved from Kentucky to Wisconsin (as I've written about several times before) and I was taunted, mocked, abused and insulted by my new classmates for several years. Around Christmas time, people in Wisconsin do Secret Santa. I know they do that in a lot of other places but we never did it in Kentucky so it was new to me. You put names in a hat (or whatever) and students draw them at random. Two students are paired up at random and they give each other cards and/or small gifts. It's supposed to be a fun little thing to do at Christmas time. I'm not sure if it was 6th or 7th grade but I got paired up with a girl I didn't know. Upon drawing my name, she said: "Oh, God! I got him?!" She said this in front of her girlfriends. I think she even did all she could to try to get another person paired with her. Thinking about it even now makes me almost want to cry. I felt miserable, useless, irrelevant and ugly. She was horrified to have to do this bullshit Secret Santa thing with me. I wish this didn't still upset me but it does greatly. It's almost a kind of shock. My head spins and I feel like collapsing. There's no better way to make a person feel like they're absolutely nothing than to do what she did. Here's hoping journaling about will help. It was 30 years ago. Try as I might, I've never been able to recover from it.
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