Secret Santa - My Pain

This is very hard for me to talk about as I'm realizing now thinking about it.   It's a situation that happened to me around age 11 or 12.  We had recently moved from Kentucky to Wisconsin (as I've written about several times before) and I was taunted, mocked, abused and insulted by my new classmates for several years.  Around Christmas time, people in Wisconsin do Secret Santa.  I know they do that in a lot of other places but we never did it in Kentucky so it was new to me.   You put names in a hat (or whatever) and students draw them at random.  Two students are paired up at random and they give each other cards and/or small gifts.   It's supposed to be a fun little thing to do at Christmas time.  I'm not sure if it was 6th or 7th grade but I got paired up with a girl I didn't know.  Upon drawing my name, she said: "Oh, God!  I got him?!"  She said this in front of her girlfriends.  I think she even did all she could to try to get another person paired with her.  Thinking about it even now makes me almost want to cry.  I felt miserable, useless, irrelevant and ugly.  She was horrified to have to do this bullshit Secret Santa thing with me.  I wish this didn't still upset me but it does greatly.  It's almost a kind of shock.  My head spins and I feel like collapsing.  There's no better way to make a person feel like they're absolutely nothing than to do what she did.  Here's hoping journaling about will help.  It was 30 years ago.  Try as I might, I've never been able to recover from it.