This happened to me in 1996 when I was 23. I've told this story to several people but not for some time. I suppose it's time to blog about it as that's what I'm doing.
As I stated, I was 23 years old in 1996. I had never drank or taken drugs in HS but partied every now and then in college and got drunk when I did. I had familial problems and a lot of anxiety and depression symptoms. After going to several doctors, I took several different anti-depressants and anti-anxiety benzodiazepines. I'm telling you this as it has an influenced on my NDE. I was eventually diagnosed bipolar and I believe I experienced many manic episodes from a reaction to the anti-depressants (Prozac and others) I took before I knew I was bipolar. My grades and social functioning lowered substantially and I was soon dependent on enormous doses of benzodiazepines, morning, noon and night, to get me through the day. At some point, I considered myself an addict and, due to confusion, bad advice, and bad luck, my goal became to get off medications completely. I just wanted to go back to the way I was, a way that I now know I can never be again.
It was the summer of 1996 and I was at the Kentucky State Fair with my mother and sister. We were having a good time. I had been phasing down off of my benzos for several months. I was on 6 mgs of Ativan a day, a maximum dose that left me stoned and hypnotized, a state I had largely been in for years. I had been very careful to phase down properly as I was informed that stopping benzo use abruptly can cause seizures that are potentially deadly. I was down to about .25 mgs every other day. Withdrawal had been agony. I prayed to die several times during the agonizing pain I went through. I was literally a few days away from being phased off completely. I decided that the extra couple days didn't matter so I didn't take the usual, not very small, dose. .25 mgs every other day now? Quitting a few days early wouldn't kill me...I remember feeling free that day. I felt lucid and unencumbered. No drugs, no stoned sensation, no mental cloudiness. My Mom, sister and I were having a great time at the fair. It was late in the day and we were walking in an exhibit of Native American rugs that had been woven by locals. Then it happened...
Suddenly, I felt like my heart had popped like a balloon. One moment it was there, the next it was gone. I thought "Oh, my God..." moments before my body collapsed. I remember reaching my left arm and hand out to break my fall. I was out before I hit the ground. I believe that my system had been so anesthetized for so long that it just blew up. My body exploded. I had been instantly transported to a dark place. My first memory was looking up and to my left. It felt like I was in a giant room. I was confused, like I had been in one place in one reality and now I was in a completely new place in a completely new reality. My vision was blown wide open; it was like everything was infinity. No distractions, no blocks, no handicaps. From here on in, I experienced two things. One was the tunnel. Everything was dark except that the tunnel people so often talk about in NDE's was there. It was like energy, sort of a grayish. pulsating thing and it seemed to rotate. I could clearly make it out even with the rest of my vision dark. The second factor is the beautiful part: The overwhelming love. It was like I was in the middle of an ocean of love. Just imagine the happiest, most joyful thing you've ever experienced. Now make it total. There was love and all there was was love. It was incredible.
I don't know how long I was in that place. I remember waking up and hearing all kinds of activity around me though I didn't open my eyes. Soon, I realized that EMTs were there and they had been reviving me. I felt more exhausted than I had ever been in my life. Honestly, I felt reborn. Everything was new. Old problems felt swept away and I felt like a child again. They ran tests on me that showed I had no brain damage. In the days and weeks following, my physical limitations kicked back in. My bipolar disorder slowly returned as did my anxiety. I wanted to die several times in the following months simply to return to that unconditional love I had felt during my NDE. I just wanted to go back to that wonderful, overpowering love. For awhile, I felt bad about being "alive" again.
I mentioned my mental illness and drug use earlier for some context. I have had hallucinations and delusions many times in my life. I read that, when a person has been taking drugs, a NDE can be visually dark. I think that's why I didn't see anything (other than the energy tunnel which I could make out quite clearly.) Like I said, I have had all kinds of the worst symptoms of mental illness. My NDE was not a symptom. It was an experience. My consciousness was there. "I" was there. Not my physical body. My mind, my consciousness was there. As I'm an amateur psychologist, I'm the first to question what happened to me. If anyone else had said it, I would say that the person was hallucinating. I've had dozens of terrible hallucinations, from thinking I was Jesus Christ reincarnated to thinking I was Pontius Pilate reincarnated, destined to burn and suffer in hell for eternity because I condemned the "King of Kings." I was not deluded or hallucinating in my NDE. I was sharp, focused, myself. I was who I am and it taught me to separate my brain and any illness from my true essence because I now knew what my true essence was. I'm not a brain or a body. I'm me.
