I'm going to try to keep this at least somewhat organized and on topic so bear with me. I had a lot of things going on in my mind and was on different substances and in the dark with most of them so let's get into it.
A short scene set. I was 18 in 1991 and had just gone to college. My parents had separated a year or so earlier and it hit me very hard. Mom had been going to therapy my senior year in HS and came home talking about depression and medications and trauma and such. At that point in my life, I knew ZERO about psychology and mental illness. I'd never been to a therapist or knew anything about them. I had, myself, noticed some overly intense moods as I neared college and the anxiety which came from leaving home for the first time. I had been a high achiever to that point in my life and was very aware of anything that might interfere with a positive progression. So I went to college for the 1991-1992 school year feeling, what I consider, to be normal depressed feelings over my parents splitting. I was also angry that they had lied to me and not told me the truth about problems in their marriage. I felt I was on point and that kind of BS I didn't need.
So I'm at college and I'm feeling sad. I'm very much a natural homebody and leaving home was tough. I took long walks my first week and tried to look forward to the new college football season coming up. My roommate was an older, legal age Hispanic. First weekend, he invited me to a party with his friends and cousins (he's Hispanic. He has like a million cousins.) I had never partied in high school and had about five drinks of alcohol in my life up to that point. So I go to the house party and get sloshed and had a GREAT TIME. Seriously, I cursed myself for never drinking in HS because I had a complete blast, flirted and all kinds of stuff. It was a pure social thing. I didn't drink on my own later and never have. I had long had crushing social anxiety after growing up being bullied and the booze wonderfully took that away. I felt strong, like I could loosen up and have fun. However, hangovers were tough and I spent the first half of the next day battling sad moods. I suppose my first time getting drunk in college was the first time I'd ever been barraged with major substances in my life. Added to this behavior was my Mom calling me from out of state (where she'd moved) making me very sad by telling me she was so unhappy and how bad a guy my Dad was and blah blah blah. I was 18 and my life was just taking off and I didn't want her messing with that. Her talk of doctors and drugs for depression got my attention, however, as did her talks of how messed up I was and our family was that she was spouting. Wait until I'm completely developed and need to be on top of my game away from home for all this. Thanks, Mom.
So I'm talking to Mom and it's making me depressed and I'm partying HARD once a week. I was very proud that I was fitting in well/adjusting to college. This first year was truly the happiest of my life because I was socially happy. However, there was a nagging sadness weighing me down and a CRUSHING anxiety. So I listened to my Mom and went to a therapist. As far as anxiety went, I couldn't be on drugs fast enough. It was really killing me. I've also always been a perfectionist and self-improvement freak and I was just having problems compared with how I used to be. So I went to the doctor my Mom went to before she moved out of state. He was a GP and that was a major, major mistake right off the bat. However, illnesses or psychology or any of that crap wasn't on my mind, whatsoever. I wasn't feeling well, wasn't functioning as well as I wanted so I went in. Mom came up to visit and we both went. Needless to say, I was put on meds for depression without having a clue what it was. I was very simple. I was feeling sad and, if I had a problem, I wanted to be responsible and treat it. Over time and in retrospect, I had always had a morose side to me, even as a child. I had always been taught to live for now and not go over the past so that's what I had always done. I concentrated on now, my current focus and life and my future. I was about functioning and success, not therapy and examining my past and all that. My view was that all that was crazy people and my family and I weren't crazy so fuck it. I didn't want anything to do with it. So there was a mountain of personal and family denial at the time. Honestly, though, I didn't want to be that deep. I just wanted to have fun and be happy, which I think a lot of 18 years olds want.
So I try to a low dose of Prozac and the benzo Klonopin. It's the second semester of my freshman year in college. 1992. I had just turned 19 around this time. This starts the really confusing stuff in my life LOL. For the next four years, I was on a revolving door of benzos and antidepressants, mood stabilizers and the like and I'm still not quite sure which drug did what at what time. I also kept partying once a week and getting sloshed every time so I was mixing meds and booze. I was strictly act and react depending on how I felt. If I felt sad, it was time for an antidepressant. If I felt anxious, it was time for a benzo. When it was time to release pent up energy, lose my inhibitions and party, that was heavy booze once a week. I was flying completely blind on illnesses and had ZERO clue that I was bipolar or anything of the like. I wouldn't be diagnosed bipolar until 1995 so that's a full three years away. What I had was that intuitive sense that a LOT was wrong with me. I even told my doctor that later on, that I was going to be one of the more messed up people he'd ever treated. So I started my therapy journey, one I wanted nothing to do with. This is when miscommunication and my own lack of knowledge and understanding almost killed me. My doctor, whom I saw about once a month, didn't understand me and I had no clue what he was saying. My Mom was meddling, too. I've since realized Mom is bipolar, too, and has always been really messed up. I'm understanding but, at this time, she needed to stay the heck out of my life but she was sad and all that and would call me and upset me and rip on my Dad. Distractions and all around crap at the point in my life when I needed to be full throttle, 100% focused and going in the right direction (meaning success in the world.)
I've always been ultra sensitive to anything affecting my body, much more so then because I had never been on drugs and hadn't drunk booze until very recently. What I realize now is that the Prozac had triggered mania I didn't know existed. I started having that "jumping out of my skin" feeling. I was so nervous, almost shaking like I wanted to explode and run out into the street. I suppose that was manic energy. So I'm completely confused about this and very shaken. That's when the miscommunication with my doctor almost proved fatal to me. Reminder that I was taking two different meds, a benzo for anxiety and Prozac for depression. Those two drugs affect the brain in very different ways. Unbeknownst to me, I was taking what was, effectively, an upper and a downer at the same time without knowing it. I told my doctor that I felt like jumping out of my skin. Any psychiatrist would immediately recognize that as mania but this was a GP. I've since become a complete believer that GPs should not be allowed to prescribe psychiatric medications. Anyway, his answer was one that served as a negative crossroads for my life to that point. He said: "It's not the drugs. It's you."
In defense of the guy, there clearly was some kind of misunderstanding. Honestly, I to this day don't know exactly what he meant. I was one way for 18 years, I take drugs, suddenly wig out yet it's not the drugs, it's me? At that moment, I began to identify with my symptoms. I was extremely intense and that jumping out of my skin feeling I came to embrace. It was me. I was powerful and forceful. The Prozac also did its job on depression and I felt chemically happy with whatever I was. In retrospect (that word again), I realize I was also having delusions from rapid cycling. I thought I was THE man. I was confident but it was crazy confident. Forceful is the perfect word. I had no clue what mania was but, whatever I was, it was me and not the drugs. So I was essentially an intense maniac that popped benzos in increasing amounts and self-medicating heavily with booze once a week. I very much had delusions of grandeur. I was also very in denial about any kind of "craziness." I wasn't crazy. Period. Meaning whatever the drugs did they did completely. Whatever the drugs did, they cured what was needed. There was another bad miscommunication at this point. My benzo use was making me feel horribly stoned and apathetic. I told the doctor I should get off them. I believe I said "I need to get off these drugs" but I was not able to differentiate. I suppose he thought I was a lifelong depression case by this time but he didn't tell me. He said I would always be on these drugs. In retrospect (rim shot now), I suppose me saw me as I eventually came to see me many years later but, as a 19 year old with no clue what mental illness was, I was extremely consternated and confused. He clearly meant I had to stay on the antidepressant (the idiot not having diagnosed my obvious bipolar disorder.) I took that to mean all of it and that led to my constant horrible benzodiazepine use for the next four years. I was eventually on 6 mgs of Ativan a day, a massive amount, morning, noon, and night. My memory is very sketchy during this period because, as I learned later, benzos have hypnotic effects, as well as memory disrupting effects. My GP (which won't surprise you by this time) said the drugs I was taking had no side effects other than cotton mouth, potential nausea, etc. I feel like I'm a poster child for what doctors believed in the early days of meds like Prozac and what they know today. All I was told was how Prozac was a wonder drug, how it was only about positives. Never was I told it would make me feel suicidal or trigger a mania I had no clue I had or any of that. It's hard for me not to think I got dicked on the whole thing.
So I was a mess going into taking meds and a complete disaster a few years later. I was a mixed bag of moods and emotions. At times, I felt the meds were my salvation and a horrible, addictive dependence at others. I still wasn't truly happy so I kept switching antidepressants and mood stabilizers. I had gotten the "chemical imbalance" speech from my doctor (and my Mom) so it was all about what drug would make me feel happy. Ironically, I was never more popular with women than I was at this moment. Maybe they saw a wounded man. Mom stumped for me being on medication. Dad wanted the old Jeff and felt like meds were hurting, not helping me. Turns out they were both right and both wrong but I didn't know it then. My life had become erratic. I had started living for fun and just being happy (as it had become so elusive.) Serious things like school just weren't as important. If I was feeling bad, I skipped class. As stated, I was so tired from constant benzo use that I had taken to sleeping through more classes than I stayed awake for. My grades tanked as I tanked. This led to much conflict between my Dad and I. I just wanted to be happy and Dad, who was paying my way through college, became very irate at my lack of success. I don't demonize Dad at this time. I had just greatly changed as a person and so had my life outlook. I was in the middle phase between a relatively healthy emotional state going into college and my full diagnosis as bipolar in 1995. There was a lot of upset in between.
Thank you for reading. I may add to this later as there's a lot more story to tell. As I wrote initially, I hope I've stayed relatively on point with the topic.
Peace. And I very much mean that.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
Friday, June 16, 2017
Taking our 2013 National Championship - A Louisville Fan's Pain.
This is from my deeply wounded heart:
Yesterday, the University of Louisville Cardinals had, for the first time in the history of college basketball, our championship taken away by the NCAA. I say "our" because the players are the University of Louisville, the coaches and administration are the University of Louisville AND the fans are the University of Louisville.
Firstly, I'll give a brief background of me as a UL basketball fan. I was born in Louisville in 1973. My father went to Western Kentucky and the University of Louisville for a short time. My first major experience with Louisville basketball was the Big Game in the NCAA tournament in 1983. We went to the house of some friends (and my best friend) who were die hard UK fans. My Dad was the only one cheering for UL and my loyalties flip flopped a few times depending on whether I was near my Dad or my friend. This was my first (and at the time, traumatic) experience of UL and UK basketball in the state and how it creates emotional divisions between people who are friends every other moment but sworn enemies when it comes to the rivalry.
We moved to Wisconsin when I was 10 and I had a very hard time adjusting. Louisville basketball became one of my happy places and I would cry when we lost games (especially to Memphis St. Yes, St.) The 1986 National Title was incredible because everyone in my school was pulling for Duke but we pulled for UL. From then on, I was a diehard UL fan, even in times when I've wanted a divorce from the team and the program for my sanity's sake. This is the course all die hard sports fans (millions of them) take from time to time, especially people like Red Sox fans. You love your team so much that you want to quit it sometimes. It's an emotionally imbalanced situation. You're strongly giving your emotions to something you can't control (basketball games) and feel so horrible when your team loses a big game that a short term depression can sink in. UL and UK basketball can be likened to our current president and current political climate. It's a social reality. You have friends talking civilly who suddenly become borderline enemies. That's the passion of fandom. People get emotionally involved. I will take responsibility here for often being an overly sensitive person and I can put too much on a sporting contest. I'll admit that. For the love most people have for a program, I feel that love with a greater intensity. That is a very short summary of my love for UL basketball.
Now is my time as an athlete. I grew up playing baseball religiously and basketball soon after. By HS, even though I was a better baseball player (I was all conference), basketball became my great sports love. I sought games everywhere I could, on playgrounds and open gym at school and I'd spend a lot of time shooting hoops on my basket at home. Anyone that's ever played athletics knows it quickly becomes an emotional experience. Non-athletes, some who've staggeringly become prominent sports writers but have never played sports, cannot and never will understand this emotion. If you get beat playing sports, your pride is hurt. Your manhood (in my case) is hurt. The competitiveness and desire to experience the joy and satisfaction of winning increases. You work harder and harder. All of those Nike commercials? That's emotion you see. That dedication is fueled by passion and desire and love for the game and your teammates and hate for anyone that wants to beat you. That is "The Zone." In that moment, the surreal aspect of athletic competition takes over and people do things they would never go otherwise in the name of competitiveness. Then you play a game and it gets chippy. A guy elbows then insults you. You go down the court and elbow him back and a shoving match breaks out. This is all in the moment and happens when physical games are played. The relevance for this commentary is to put a perspective on the never played sports sportswriters, some of whom have powerful voices yet have no clue about the emotion and passion people FEEL when playing sports. You get involved mentally and emotionally because that's the way it is. We care. We care about winning, we care about games, we care about the blood, sweat and tears we put into them.
The above examples of fandom, especially for athletes, illustrates why people care about sports. There have been and will be many articles written about how UL deserves what it's gotten. They'll point to Rick Pitino and the UL establishment and attack them for former players using sex as a recruiting tool. Everyone, including UL fans, know that Pitino and the UL administration are culpable. No one is quibbling over guilt. We all accept that what happened happened AND we have been 100% gracious as fans over punishments. Just don't take that banner. DO NOT TAKE THAT BANNER!
I will liken our situation to Penn St. Sissy little sportswriters will have a coronary if they read this but, hey, they're sissy sportswriters. Sissy sportswriters are nothing but politicians who play politically correct media games. They don't know anything about athletics but they can sure sanctimoniously stump for a cause and get as many people fired as they like. They're poison pen sports wannabes who sit behind their computers and write articles for big magazines and websites. No non-athlete who never got past T-ball has any business writing about sports for a major sports magazine/website like Sports Illustrated or ESPN. I'll use Dan Wetzel as an example. The Penn St. situation was his baby. He got it into his head that he was going to ride that sucker for all it was worth and get Penn St. wiped off the map. Sandusky was justly punished. Paterno died. The malefactors were punished. Was that enough for Dan and many in the media? No way. Now it was about sanctions and penalties and scholarships removed. What is now the truth? The ones being punished now were the innocents. The players who had nothing to do with the scandal and the loyal fans, many of whom grew up cheering for the Nittany Lions with nothing but love in their hearts. I don't think people like Dan Wetzel mean any harm. Like any morally outraged person that has no idea what they're talking about, his solution to the Penn St. problem was to destroy as much of it as possible, the eternally vague and whisper thin "culture of conformity" or whatever these people call it. That means nailing Penn St. long after the guilty were punished could be perpetually on the table because of the PERCEPTION of ill conduct might be PERCEIVED to still exist. This is like doing a raid on a conquered people. The victors get paranoid something bad MIGHT be going on so they keep thumping their Bibles on continued punishments.
Thankfully for Penn St. the NCAA finally sobered up and thought: "Wow. The guilty are gone and we're punishing the innocent now. Well, let's end that." That's never satisfactory for the Dan Wetzels of the world. Many of whom have far left wing values and temperaments (I'm a moderate.) Molestation happened at Penn St. and wasn't properly reported. KILL IT ALL is the immediate reaction of most of these non-athletic keyboard hotshots. They're Cato the Elder of Rome saying "Carthage Must Be Destroyed" years after Carthage was no longer a threat to Rome. They're the people that are no doubt amazed that dweebs like them are actually listened to and have big jobs associated with sporting sites. It's my opinion that most of them do because they're the most politically correct but that's my view. Who are the guilty parties in the Louisville sex scandal? Andre McGee, a former player not associated with the 2013 title and Rick Pitino, seen as being negligent in not knowing what was going on. How was Andre McGee punished? I don't know? How was Rick Pitino punished? A five game suspension? Rick is still the head coach of the University of Louisville. He's still making millions of dollars.
Outside journalists will be the ones to write the stories of our beloved UL basketball players. They will write books with titles like "Despicable Shame. Why UL Got What it Deserved." As I just wrote ad nauseum, they have no real credibility because they have no clue what it's like to be athletes. They are the "they got what they deserve" people. In light of our current experience, UL fans cannot bother with these people. Even local writer Eric Crawford took this tone, eliminating the fan base from the conversation and even insulting me on Twitter when I brought it up. Other voices, like Pat Forde, are more balanced because he played sports and can see the situation from multiple angles. He understands much more than sports writers with no credibility and people should pursue articles written by people like him if they want the whole story. We can't win with the condemners, the "they had it coming" sportswriters. In that way, they're no better than UK trolls, whose voices will also overwhelmingly be "they had it coming." More on them in a minute.
Now, the NCAA. Like all powerful organizations, the NCAA is a socio-political force with extraordinary power who can shatter programs, if not destroy them for a time (SMU football.) The NCAA has since, many times, admitted that it went too far with SMU and The Death Penalty has never been agreed on since. The NCAA is the ultimate hypocrite. They want "March Madness." They want fanaticism from fans. They want you filling out the brackets for your favorite teams. They put the cameras on crying fans when their teams lose. They ACTIVELY FOSTER and, honestly, understand fanatical love and loyalty of fans for their schools and their teams.
And now, the taking of our title. It is OUR title, too, the title of the University of Louisville and all its fans. We pay for tickets, we buy merchandise, we help make the program millions of dollars. The NCAA had no problem taking our money for when we helped pack the stadium in Atlanta, did they? I had a great family experience in 2013. I went with my Dad and my sister. Dad and I came from Florida and my sister came from Louisville. We had not been to the final game since 1986. That is forever for a top notch basketball program. Every year for decades, I wondered if this was the year. The talent is always there at UL. Would we put it together again? Was this the year? College basketball fans are no different than major league sports fans. Imagine how Cubs fans would feel if you took last year's World Series title from them. I think that makes my point.
So it's 2013. We have a powerful and experienced group back from the previous year's Final Four team. All UL fans knew we had the team to win it that year. We got through a rough patch in the middle of the season and ended up on a mission. Kevin Ware's leg was destroyed in the Elite 8 and our players and fans carried his pain all the way to glory. The wonderful players we had from Peyton Siva to Russ Smith to Gorgui Dieng and Co. we got to see grow before our eyes. We're not one and done. We have to cultivate our players and see them blossom. We rode the roller coaster with our guys for years and finally brought it home. When the game ended, I hugged my sister. I'm also a Packer fan and none of the team's World Championships meant more to me than this. I literally thought "I can die happy." It was the apex of my sports life. The championship we had worked so hard for and the fans had longed so much for had finally happened.
And now, the NCAA is telling our fans: "Gee. You shouldn't have cheered for them in 2013. Didn't you know that they were dirty organization years before it came to light? Well, shame on you for being emotionally invested. Shame on you for thinking you actually won something." Rick Pitino, who honestly loves the UL fans and hates this decision, is still coach. He's still making millions. What about us rummy fans? We had that title. That was ours forever. It's the player's and coaches and our's. We paid for tickets. We bought merchandise. We rode the wave of the NCAA's annual March Madness and came out on top in 2013. So who pays for this emotionally? The malefactors have been punished but they have their money and status. For our contributions to the championship, we have...nothing. The hypocritical NCAA and the hypocritical media are now making us a mockery. They taunt the University of Louisville and will use us as they're typically blowhard example of what not to do. Then there are Kentucky fans and the unsafe environment the NCAA has created for Louisville fans in the state of Kentucky. Kentucky fans outnumber UL fans and have always been there with jeers about "little brother." What are those Louisville fans, the innocent Louisville fans, going to experience at work? Constant abuse that the NCAA has set up. In their short sighted view in attacking a program, they have completely neglected the thousands of innocents who will suffer. Once the investigation is finished, the NCAA will move on to its next self-righteous slam dunk. Left in their wake will be the abused UL fan, emotionally devastated, left open to the abusive assaults of the fans of the less than pure program in Lexington. I used the term "emotional rape" recently. Eric Crawford seemed to think this way funny and insulted me. I have also been insulted by others for using the term. Make sure you've read all I've posted above. If you are a UL fan, do you think the term "emotional rape" IN A SPORTING CONTEXT is too extreme? Kids bullied in school are emotionally raped. Are their experiences to be minimized or forgotten? Is their pain to be minimized and forgotten?
In a perfect world, there would probably be no sports and none of the conflicting emotional states that sports creates. Other than politics, no man (and often woman) is more passionate and driven by the sports teams he/she loves. Now, for the first time in NCAA history, a fan base will have to pay because the NCAA, in its aggressive zeal to "do the right thing" in their eyes, has created thousands of sporting victims. If you're the kind of person that would say "Oh, this is just sport!" and "How dare you compare sports to rape!" (which I'm not doing), you wasted your time reading any of this because you just don't get it. You don't get the passion and emotion inherent in athletes and fans. Is sports more important than life? Of course not. Is sports more important than rape and murder victims and all those things? Of course not. My article is about the HEART of the sports fan, the one that takes the ride and suffers and lives and dies with our players. For us Cardinals fans, the NCAA, in its desire to punish the guilty, have also executed the innocent. They have executed us. Thank you for reading.
#L1C4
Yesterday, the University of Louisville Cardinals had, for the first time in the history of college basketball, our championship taken away by the NCAA. I say "our" because the players are the University of Louisville, the coaches and administration are the University of Louisville AND the fans are the University of Louisville.
Firstly, I'll give a brief background of me as a UL basketball fan. I was born in Louisville in 1973. My father went to Western Kentucky and the University of Louisville for a short time. My first major experience with Louisville basketball was the Big Game in the NCAA tournament in 1983. We went to the house of some friends (and my best friend) who were die hard UK fans. My Dad was the only one cheering for UL and my loyalties flip flopped a few times depending on whether I was near my Dad or my friend. This was my first (and at the time, traumatic) experience of UL and UK basketball in the state and how it creates emotional divisions between people who are friends every other moment but sworn enemies when it comes to the rivalry.
We moved to Wisconsin when I was 10 and I had a very hard time adjusting. Louisville basketball became one of my happy places and I would cry when we lost games (especially to Memphis St. Yes, St.) The 1986 National Title was incredible because everyone in my school was pulling for Duke but we pulled for UL. From then on, I was a diehard UL fan, even in times when I've wanted a divorce from the team and the program for my sanity's sake. This is the course all die hard sports fans (millions of them) take from time to time, especially people like Red Sox fans. You love your team so much that you want to quit it sometimes. It's an emotionally imbalanced situation. You're strongly giving your emotions to something you can't control (basketball games) and feel so horrible when your team loses a big game that a short term depression can sink in. UL and UK basketball can be likened to our current president and current political climate. It's a social reality. You have friends talking civilly who suddenly become borderline enemies. That's the passion of fandom. People get emotionally involved. I will take responsibility here for often being an overly sensitive person and I can put too much on a sporting contest. I'll admit that. For the love most people have for a program, I feel that love with a greater intensity. That is a very short summary of my love for UL basketball.
Now is my time as an athlete. I grew up playing baseball religiously and basketball soon after. By HS, even though I was a better baseball player (I was all conference), basketball became my great sports love. I sought games everywhere I could, on playgrounds and open gym at school and I'd spend a lot of time shooting hoops on my basket at home. Anyone that's ever played athletics knows it quickly becomes an emotional experience. Non-athletes, some who've staggeringly become prominent sports writers but have never played sports, cannot and never will understand this emotion. If you get beat playing sports, your pride is hurt. Your manhood (in my case) is hurt. The competitiveness and desire to experience the joy and satisfaction of winning increases. You work harder and harder. All of those Nike commercials? That's emotion you see. That dedication is fueled by passion and desire and love for the game and your teammates and hate for anyone that wants to beat you. That is "The Zone." In that moment, the surreal aspect of athletic competition takes over and people do things they would never go otherwise in the name of competitiveness. Then you play a game and it gets chippy. A guy elbows then insults you. You go down the court and elbow him back and a shoving match breaks out. This is all in the moment and happens when physical games are played. The relevance for this commentary is to put a perspective on the never played sports sportswriters, some of whom have powerful voices yet have no clue about the emotion and passion people FEEL when playing sports. You get involved mentally and emotionally because that's the way it is. We care. We care about winning, we care about games, we care about the blood, sweat and tears we put into them.
The above examples of fandom, especially for athletes, illustrates why people care about sports. There have been and will be many articles written about how UL deserves what it's gotten. They'll point to Rick Pitino and the UL establishment and attack them for former players using sex as a recruiting tool. Everyone, including UL fans, know that Pitino and the UL administration are culpable. No one is quibbling over guilt. We all accept that what happened happened AND we have been 100% gracious as fans over punishments. Just don't take that banner. DO NOT TAKE THAT BANNER!
I will liken our situation to Penn St. Sissy little sportswriters will have a coronary if they read this but, hey, they're sissy sportswriters. Sissy sportswriters are nothing but politicians who play politically correct media games. They don't know anything about athletics but they can sure sanctimoniously stump for a cause and get as many people fired as they like. They're poison pen sports wannabes who sit behind their computers and write articles for big magazines and websites. No non-athlete who never got past T-ball has any business writing about sports for a major sports magazine/website like Sports Illustrated or ESPN. I'll use Dan Wetzel as an example. The Penn St. situation was his baby. He got it into his head that he was going to ride that sucker for all it was worth and get Penn St. wiped off the map. Sandusky was justly punished. Paterno died. The malefactors were punished. Was that enough for Dan and many in the media? No way. Now it was about sanctions and penalties and scholarships removed. What is now the truth? The ones being punished now were the innocents. The players who had nothing to do with the scandal and the loyal fans, many of whom grew up cheering for the Nittany Lions with nothing but love in their hearts. I don't think people like Dan Wetzel mean any harm. Like any morally outraged person that has no idea what they're talking about, his solution to the Penn St. problem was to destroy as much of it as possible, the eternally vague and whisper thin "culture of conformity" or whatever these people call it. That means nailing Penn St. long after the guilty were punished could be perpetually on the table because of the PERCEPTION of ill conduct might be PERCEIVED to still exist. This is like doing a raid on a conquered people. The victors get paranoid something bad MIGHT be going on so they keep thumping their Bibles on continued punishments.
Thankfully for Penn St. the NCAA finally sobered up and thought: "Wow. The guilty are gone and we're punishing the innocent now. Well, let's end that." That's never satisfactory for the Dan Wetzels of the world. Many of whom have far left wing values and temperaments (I'm a moderate.) Molestation happened at Penn St. and wasn't properly reported. KILL IT ALL is the immediate reaction of most of these non-athletic keyboard hotshots. They're Cato the Elder of Rome saying "Carthage Must Be Destroyed" years after Carthage was no longer a threat to Rome. They're the people that are no doubt amazed that dweebs like them are actually listened to and have big jobs associated with sporting sites. It's my opinion that most of them do because they're the most politically correct but that's my view. Who are the guilty parties in the Louisville sex scandal? Andre McGee, a former player not associated with the 2013 title and Rick Pitino, seen as being negligent in not knowing what was going on. How was Andre McGee punished? I don't know? How was Rick Pitino punished? A five game suspension? Rick is still the head coach of the University of Louisville. He's still making millions of dollars.
Outside journalists will be the ones to write the stories of our beloved UL basketball players. They will write books with titles like "Despicable Shame. Why UL Got What it Deserved." As I just wrote ad nauseum, they have no real credibility because they have no clue what it's like to be athletes. They are the "they got what they deserve" people. In light of our current experience, UL fans cannot bother with these people. Even local writer Eric Crawford took this tone, eliminating the fan base from the conversation and even insulting me on Twitter when I brought it up. Other voices, like Pat Forde, are more balanced because he played sports and can see the situation from multiple angles. He understands much more than sports writers with no credibility and people should pursue articles written by people like him if they want the whole story. We can't win with the condemners, the "they had it coming" sportswriters. In that way, they're no better than UK trolls, whose voices will also overwhelmingly be "they had it coming." More on them in a minute.
Now, the NCAA. Like all powerful organizations, the NCAA is a socio-political force with extraordinary power who can shatter programs, if not destroy them for a time (SMU football.) The NCAA has since, many times, admitted that it went too far with SMU and The Death Penalty has never been agreed on since. The NCAA is the ultimate hypocrite. They want "March Madness." They want fanaticism from fans. They want you filling out the brackets for your favorite teams. They put the cameras on crying fans when their teams lose. They ACTIVELY FOSTER and, honestly, understand fanatical love and loyalty of fans for their schools and their teams.
And now, the taking of our title. It is OUR title, too, the title of the University of Louisville and all its fans. We pay for tickets, we buy merchandise, we help make the program millions of dollars. The NCAA had no problem taking our money for when we helped pack the stadium in Atlanta, did they? I had a great family experience in 2013. I went with my Dad and my sister. Dad and I came from Florida and my sister came from Louisville. We had not been to the final game since 1986. That is forever for a top notch basketball program. Every year for decades, I wondered if this was the year. The talent is always there at UL. Would we put it together again? Was this the year? College basketball fans are no different than major league sports fans. Imagine how Cubs fans would feel if you took last year's World Series title from them. I think that makes my point.
So it's 2013. We have a powerful and experienced group back from the previous year's Final Four team. All UL fans knew we had the team to win it that year. We got through a rough patch in the middle of the season and ended up on a mission. Kevin Ware's leg was destroyed in the Elite 8 and our players and fans carried his pain all the way to glory. The wonderful players we had from Peyton Siva to Russ Smith to Gorgui Dieng and Co. we got to see grow before our eyes. We're not one and done. We have to cultivate our players and see them blossom. We rode the roller coaster with our guys for years and finally brought it home. When the game ended, I hugged my sister. I'm also a Packer fan and none of the team's World Championships meant more to me than this. I literally thought "I can die happy." It was the apex of my sports life. The championship we had worked so hard for and the fans had longed so much for had finally happened.
And now, the NCAA is telling our fans: "Gee. You shouldn't have cheered for them in 2013. Didn't you know that they were dirty organization years before it came to light? Well, shame on you for being emotionally invested. Shame on you for thinking you actually won something." Rick Pitino, who honestly loves the UL fans and hates this decision, is still coach. He's still making millions. What about us rummy fans? We had that title. That was ours forever. It's the player's and coaches and our's. We paid for tickets. We bought merchandise. We rode the wave of the NCAA's annual March Madness and came out on top in 2013. So who pays for this emotionally? The malefactors have been punished but they have their money and status. For our contributions to the championship, we have...nothing. The hypocritical NCAA and the hypocritical media are now making us a mockery. They taunt the University of Louisville and will use us as they're typically blowhard example of what not to do. Then there are Kentucky fans and the unsafe environment the NCAA has created for Louisville fans in the state of Kentucky. Kentucky fans outnumber UL fans and have always been there with jeers about "little brother." What are those Louisville fans, the innocent Louisville fans, going to experience at work? Constant abuse that the NCAA has set up. In their short sighted view in attacking a program, they have completely neglected the thousands of innocents who will suffer. Once the investigation is finished, the NCAA will move on to its next self-righteous slam dunk. Left in their wake will be the abused UL fan, emotionally devastated, left open to the abusive assaults of the fans of the less than pure program in Lexington. I used the term "emotional rape" recently. Eric Crawford seemed to think this way funny and insulted me. I have also been insulted by others for using the term. Make sure you've read all I've posted above. If you are a UL fan, do you think the term "emotional rape" IN A SPORTING CONTEXT is too extreme? Kids bullied in school are emotionally raped. Are their experiences to be minimized or forgotten? Is their pain to be minimized and forgotten?
In a perfect world, there would probably be no sports and none of the conflicting emotional states that sports creates. Other than politics, no man (and often woman) is more passionate and driven by the sports teams he/she loves. Now, for the first time in NCAA history, a fan base will have to pay because the NCAA, in its aggressive zeal to "do the right thing" in their eyes, has created thousands of sporting victims. If you're the kind of person that would say "Oh, this is just sport!" and "How dare you compare sports to rape!" (which I'm not doing), you wasted your time reading any of this because you just don't get it. You don't get the passion and emotion inherent in athletes and fans. Is sports more important than life? Of course not. Is sports more important than rape and murder victims and all those things? Of course not. My article is about the HEART of the sports fan, the one that takes the ride and suffers and lives and dies with our players. For us Cardinals fans, the NCAA, in its desire to punish the guilty, have also executed the innocent. They have executed us. Thank you for reading.
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