My sexuaility and mental illness - Bondage scenarios

For some of my sexual history and preferences, I'll start with softcore bondage scenarios. Ever since I was a kid, I've been into bondage scenarios acted out on movies and television. I'm one of "those people." This part of my sexual experience is consistent with people that produce fetish porn, which I have been into for a long time. For some reason, seeing women tied up and gagged was just overpoweringly intoxicating to me from a very young age. Maybe it was seeing expressions of female vulnerability and helplessness acted out. I've always been into the damsel in distress storylines. Maybe because my Mom was a bit of damsel in distress for certain reasons fueled me unconsciously. It's probably that I was in distress, also, for reasons that I didn't understand until much later. I would draw art of certain animated characters I liked tied up, nearly always female but sometimes male. Not sure if the male represented me. It's the kind of thing you see on Deviantart.com though my drawings were very primitive. I'm always trying to look for the psychological significance of this behavior. I would draw gags over characters in comic or coloring books. The identity switch fantasy of one character tying up another and taking their place has been one of my big turn ons. That may be because growing mental illness was taking me over and replacing me as my sexual brain was developing. I'm not posting for titalization purposes so I'm going to keep grounding my posts will psychological insights. I would tape bondage situations off TV and movies and keep them to enjoy later (AKA masturbate to.) I'll state now that none of my fantasies involve pain. I am not into dungeon bondage or pain or any of that and I don't like when any scenarios end in death. Momentary restraint with all being well in the end is what I like. I've been into softer core though very sexual bondage sites and magazines for a long time. As I look at their activity, I think I'm seeing the need for people "falling apart" through some kinds of mental illness as needing to get it together, to "tie themselves up" in acted out ways, like tying up a box with tape to keep it together. Bondage situations as power and submission games have been played for thousands of years but I'm talking less sadism and masochism and more just the emotional need to maintain some kind of ego fusion, especially when growing up and ignorant of just about everything as I was growing up as a bipolar/OCD young adult. There were just things I liked and did. Over time, even the look is all I need. Like many in the fetish bondage community, I have my favorite gags and looks and scenarios. I know I'm not alone but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.

So is being into softcore bondage stuff a sign of mental illness? This is where my last post about seuxality being complex comes into play. I don't know. I also don't know whether I'm distressed by my desire or not. In a vacuum, I think I'm okay with it because it's not hurting anyone and bondage situations have long been accepted as a very widespread and relatively normal sexual kink. Problem is, I'm very concerned about how others see me as far as sexuality goes. It's been very hard for me to write this post though I feel I want to. I don't want anyone thinking I'm a pervert. Even more so, I don't want to think that I'M a pervert. At this point, I could speculate constantly on exactly what sexual perversion is but that's long winded and unnecessary. Part of being "weird," having different or not orthodox sexual turn ons means either condemning and trying to eliminate them or accepting them. I pretty much accept that i have this turn on but I suppose I'm still sexually insecure when it comes to perception and reality. In that way, thinking sexuality is relatively unimportant may be hurting me because I don't take pains to feel comfortable with myself. Is what I'm into sick and crazy? I don't think so because it's not about pain and there are certain situations I've seen acted out that I disapprove of. Mountain out of a molehill? Maybe but, like I say, I'm OCD and OCD people have overpowering feelings of guilt and disgust for things that are usually benign. In that way, I think my post is maybe more about feeling adequate about myself.

My Sexuality and Mental Illness

I don't consider sexuality to be a big deal. I don't. To me, sexuality just is, it's a physical and chemical state of identity and pleasure seeking. I think that's one reason why I'm just blogging on this now instead of a few years ago. Also, though I don't consider sexuality a big deal, I know others get flat out crazy obsessed with it. Growing up in a conservative climate, I was always terrified to have, any, really, of my sexual exploits and appetites discovered. That's because, sexually, I perceive myself as falling into the "weird" category and such people are really only accepted and valued by similar people. As all people growing up in a conservative setting are taught that sexual variation is evil and gay people are garbage, I learned how to shove my sexual progression down deep and to be TERRIFIED of anyone finding out. I couldn't have lived with the embarrassment in that setting and I would have been insulted and mocked on a daily basis. That said, I believe some of my escapades and urges were symptomatic of mental illness as I had a certain thought process and set of core desires that faded when I began treatment around age 19. As I didn't know then and I still don't know now what exactly is "crazy" when it comes to my sexuality, what is normal and what is just mindless fun so I feel the need to blog and get it out in the open.

I feel a certain amount of guilt surrounding my sexuality and what I'm into. As unnecessary guilt is a symptom of OCD and I have it in spades, I've always felt the need to "confess" just about everything I've ever done or thought that isn't straight laced, 100% normal or regular as I've been raised to see it having grown up in a conservative climate that included Catholic school until I was 15. Now, at age 44, I have no idea where my "true" sexuality begins (whatever that is), what are acceptable kinks, what are perversions I need to work on and all points in between. As I've felt, observed and studied, sexuality is an extremely complex thing and I'll admit I'm fairly confused on how to perceive mine.

Future posts will be about my sexuality, sexual preferences and a bit of sexual history.