My Sexuality and Mental Illness

I don't consider sexuality to be a big deal. I don't. To me, sexuality just is, it's a physical and chemical state of identity and pleasure seeking. I think that's one reason why I'm just blogging on this now instead of a few years ago. Also, though I don't consider sexuality a big deal, I know others get flat out crazy obsessed with it. Growing up in a conservative climate, I was always terrified to have, any, really, of my sexual exploits and appetites discovered. That's because, sexually, I perceive myself as falling into the "weird" category and such people are really only accepted and valued by similar people. As all people growing up in a conservative setting are taught that sexual variation is evil and gay people are garbage, I learned how to shove my sexual progression down deep and to be TERRIFIED of anyone finding out. I couldn't have lived with the embarrassment in that setting and I would have been insulted and mocked on a daily basis. That said, I believe some of my escapades and urges were symptomatic of mental illness as I had a certain thought process and set of core desires that faded when I began treatment around age 19. As I didn't know then and I still don't know now what exactly is "crazy" when it comes to my sexuality, what is normal and what is just mindless fun so I feel the need to blog and get it out in the open.

I feel a certain amount of guilt surrounding my sexuality and what I'm into. As unnecessary guilt is a symptom of OCD and I have it in spades, I've always felt the need to "confess" just about everything I've ever done or thought that isn't straight laced, 100% normal or regular as I've been raised to see it having grown up in a conservative climate that included Catholic school until I was 15. Now, at age 44, I have no idea where my "true" sexuality begins (whatever that is), what are acceptable kinks, what are perversions I need to work on and all points in between. As I've felt, observed and studied, sexuality is an extremely complex thing and I'll admit I'm fairly confused on how to perceive mine.

Future posts will be about my sexuality, sexual preferences and a bit of sexual history.