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Sunday, March 27, 2016

Poem - She's Distant

She's distant. Her side denied, I reach, I try.
I send my music. I send my poems. I touch her
hair but grasp air at home, alone. My fingers stretch,
grope with empty hope. Why do I try?

I can't have what I yearn for, can't stop the pain
when I learn more and get the message again and again.
What is wrong in my head?

A major blow, I know it's so as I pine
intent with no danger of threat, a warm, wavy crest
floods my body, my sex, my chest. I sigh, I cry for I
can't stop my lust, can't end it, can't say goodbye.

But she's distant, a lost cause though I love her so.
I feel her warmth and know I can't let myself let go
though she will never know who I am, how I feel. How could
she know when it will never be real?

I imagine it all. Maybe there's a chance she could find humor in,
be smitten with, something I am, a loving, caring, giving man...no.
There's despair for she's right there but, alas, it cannot, could
not ever come to pass. She's right there. She's distant.

Monday, March 14, 2016

The non-medicated mentally ill: An argument by a bipolar man

As a bipolar person with Bipolar 1, I've learned the hard way how important the proper medications are. I have nothing but respect for mentally ill people that face their illnesses and take their medication to try to deal with it. That said, I hate crazy. I hate craziness. There is nothing redeeming about craziness. When people are extremely symptomatic, their usefulness to themselves and others drops greatly. They can become unmanageable, disruptive and potentially dangerous. They suffer horribly. This is just fact. As a person with a mental illness, I'm very torn on how to feel about people with full blown illnesses who refuse to acknowledge or treat their illness. I feel like I do the right thing. I admit to my illness and treat it. I pity those that don't take their meds and are symptomatic. I resent those that somehow manage to be successful WITHOUT taking their meds. I consider profiting by being mentally ill to be immoral and sad. People shouldn't be rewarded for being "crazy." They shouldn't be detracted from either. It's a tough issue for me. If a mentally ill person can be successful while being full blown crazy and, perhaps, irresponsible for not taking meds they know the need, is that a bad thing? What would that kind of mentally ill person be doing otherwise? If they're successful AND happy not being medicated, is that a bad thing? Like I wrote, I resent that because I suffer for my sanity. However, though I'm writing a book, I'm not materially successful at the moment. I've tried to be materially successful but it hasn't happened yet. Could I be successful if I stopped taking my meds? No. I've tried that and failed. I don't mean to sound insensitive though I probably do. I'm not talking about mentally ill people that suffer in anonymity. I'm also not talking about mentally ill people that don't know or understand that they have an illness. I guess I look at mental illness as an addiction. It's a disease, it's not what people want but it's what people have to deal with. Not getting treatment for mental illness is like not getting treatment for addiction. As a bipolar person, I don't think I'm stigmatizing myself and others. People with mental illnesses need to take their meds. For better or worse, I don't have much patience for those that don't comply. We're talking reality. The only way to make a situation better is if people with mental illness issues take their meds. If not, they should be forced to. This is only absolute if the illness is severe and won't improve without meds. Such is the case in my situation and it is a bitter pill to swallow (both literally and figuratively.) It's been a very difficult road for me to accept that I'll always need to take medication. That's the way it is with Bipolar 1. Cancer often can't be treated effectively without chemo. I see mental illness the same way. I hate it and I want it gone. I don't want the mentally ill gone. I want mental illness gone.