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Saturday, December 16, 2017

The Star Wars toys I had as a kid

Whenever a new Star Wars film comes out, I think we're all reminded (at least people of my age) of the times when we first saw the films of the original trilogy and what they have meant to us.   I was 4 years old when Star Wars came out.  This was in the early days of cable TV when you had to pay for the movie channels.  We had HBO and I must have seen Star Wars on cable a hundred times until I pretty much had it memorized.  I was a full time Star Wars nut by Empire Strikes Back and I remember seeing Return of the Jedi in theaters at age 10.  The part above the Sarlaac when Luke springs off the platform, gets the lightsaber from R2 and goes to town with the music blaring is still one of the greatest moments of my movie life.  Anyway, such moments also remind me of the toys I used to own so here's a list of the ones I remember.  

Action figures:  All of them from all three movies, including BOTH Snaggletooth types.  The short red one and the tall teal one.  I wasn't lucky enough to get a Boba Fett with the missile that actually shot but I obviously had the action figure.  

Two hard plastic carrying cases to hold the action figures, one of Darth Vader and one of C-3PO.  

The Land Speeder from Star Wars.  

The Millennium Falcon.  

An X-wing fighter.  

A Y-wing fighter.  

(A friend of mine had a TIE fighter with battle damage decals I was way jealous of.  He also had the Death Star set.)  

The rancor from Return of the Jedi.  

A full sized plastic lightsaber with a green light that lit it up.  

A miniature Cloud City carbon freeze set with miniature figures including Han in carbon freeze. 

A two legged AT-AT (like they had at the battle on Endor.)  

Jabba the Hut on the platform he sat on in the movie.  The platform opened up and you could put an action figure in there like he's fallen in the rancor pit.  

A speeder bike the stormtroopers used on Endor (the kind Luke and Leia stole for the speeder bike chase.)  You could press a button and the Speeder would break to pieces.  

A small record player with a record of the events of Empire Strikes Back.  

That's almost if not all of them.  That's what I remember anyway.  












Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Romantic Lyrical Poem - A Staid and Stodgy Loner

I've always known I'd always be
a staid and stodgy loner.
In social life I'd have no wife,
a wanderer and roamer.

Nothing in my life's blind push has
changed this path for me.
I only deal with fate's cold feel
a failure all can see.

Alas for me it cannot be
my hopes and dreams do fade.
I age now as all humans must
accepting what God's laid.

I choose the peace of only one
who fails and lives a goner.
My saddened bane I do remain
a staid and stodgy loner.





Thursday, November 30, 2017

My Family Manifesto for Our Mentally Ill Community (by a Bipolar person.)

These are my feelings about our mental health community, meaning everyone that has a mental illness. To me, this means people with an illness that qualifies as clinical. It doesn't include people that are occasionally depressed but depressed in normal ways, like if they suffer a family loss or other major upset but are able to rally relatively quickly without getting too low. In short, people with schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder, major depression, etc. People that can legally qualify for disability and usually need some form of medication, etc.

Whether society like it or not, we're part of the world and there are a lot of us. My views are my opinions on things our community should consider. Obviously, none of this is written in stone but illustrated how I WOULD LIKE our community to be structured.

1. Be true to our community. Be true to each other.

We're a frequently persecuted minority group. Most persecuted minority groups like black people, gay
people, etc, are strongest when they rally around each other. I feel this is of paramount importance to
us, especially, because we need all the strength and support we can get. We need to help each other,
look out for each other, be there for each other. Our responsibilities are to ourselves and each
other.This doesn't mean we have to ignore or repulse the rest of the world. It just means our community is our extended family and we need to be true and committed to our family. It's very true that often as we have are each other.

2. Don't be afraid or ashamed to care about yourself more than anyone else.

It would be wonderful is we're all healthy and fortunate enough to have fewer personal needs and more time and resources to primarily help others but that's not the reality of nearly every one of us. We're challenged. We're burdened. We have to face it and live it. For our own good and, indirectly, the good of the rest of society, we need to think of ourselves first, our community second and the world third.
Of all the people in society that need help, we're one of the groups at the forefront. We can't feel guilty or selfish by being more inclusive, that is attending to our own often substantial needs above all others. If we take care of ourselves, we help the world and society. While not a burden as people, we can be a burden to the financial system. It can be a vicious cycle for us because we want to be responsible human citizens but often just aren't able to function 100% in that capacity. We need to do the best we can. If we do, we need not feel like a burden in any way. As is frequently said, we didn't ask for major mental illnesses. We didn't sign up for this. I personally have a bit of a challenge here because my ego gets in the way and I do at times feel ashamed for not being 100%, like it's my fault. I often overcome this feeling but not as often as I'd like to. That leads me to my third point.

3. It's very, very normal for us to be confused about our place in the world, if we have a purpose in life, etc.

Defining a purpose in life is easy for the healthy and, at least, the functionally normal. Make it through the stages of life. Succeed in school and at work, get married, make money, have children and play out the rest of the string. For us, that's often not possible, at least not fully. So, if our job as physical beings is to do all this yet we can't, what the heck should we do? This question frequently bedevils me. It seems like we get stuck on the societal ladder and are passed by just about everyone on the way to success or even "do your best" failure. We're a big pea under the mattress for the human condition. Those that deny mental illnesses exist what their life views simple. We're all normal, we all start the same way, we all have the same chance and, if we fail, it's our own faults. This is the kind of thing that the American Dream is all about. For us, our community knows it's bunk. We're not all created equal and we don't all have the same chance. For me, as an American, that means disillusionment. So many people in our country live on illusion. We're taught that the Constitution is the Bible of how to live life in America. Sorry, but our very existence proves this value set has limitations. We're not included. We're not invited to the life party. We're the hard reality society wants to sweep under the rug. We become outsiders by sad fate. Are normal people at fault for functioning normally? Are they at fault because we understandably can't keep up? See my next point.

4. We can't blame the rest of the world for not being sick.

This can be a tough one. We need to be magnanimous. We need to rise above our own pain and ostracization. Yes, many, if not most, of normal people don't give a shit about us and don't know anything about us. Yes, they often fear and resent us. Yes, we have the right to hate that quality in them. However, we can't blame the world or the people in it because we've been dealt a terrible hand. We need to be better as human beings. We need to forgive those ignorant about and hateful towards people in our community. We know and understand pain. We know what it felt like before we were diagnosed when many of us were as dumb and intolerant as the people that never manifest a major mental illness. This is our time to pity them for a lack of perspective and forgive. The one gift we've been given is insight into the less fortunate. We need to take that gift and develop it. We know pain and misery. Let's not make others feel the pain we do.

5. Let's just do the best we can. If we have clarity, that means responsibility.

Though sick, if we have moments of clarity, we need to do the right things. That means medications if necessary, despite the potential side effects. Yes, it sucks but it's important. We can go about the world untreated and symptomatic and be problems for ourselves and our loved ones if we choose. I've had several periods of taking meds and getting off meds because I felt that best. When not on meds, I've had massive bouts of bipolar psychosis. I've been a danger to myself and others. I know this. I'm aware of it. If I don't take medication, I know I'm being irresponsible. When I take meds, I feel much better and can have a sense of self and sanity. Without meds, I can't have that. Through experience, I treasure my sanity because I know the pain and fear of not having it. Taking my meds is an easy choice for me because the alternative is horrible. We all know living with a mental illness is so tough. We often have our bouts of depression or mania or psychosis and we do the best we can but we still don't always succeed against it. This is why we just need to do the best we can. Little progress can be vitally important. It's good for our sense of self. We feel good knowing we're doing the best we can to make lemonade out of lemons. It's often two steps back for one step forward BUT WE MUST STEP.


These are the points that come to mind the most right now. They're how I see myself, our community, the rest of the world and our place in it. We exist. We're mentally ill. We need to do what we can to make the most of it. Thanks for reading.


Wednesday, October 25, 2017

An issue very dear to me and what I consider important for the mentally ill

This is a painful time in my life but I feel it's also couched in an issue I feel is important.

I had a domestic dispute with my father in 1998. I was not functioning well at the time. I tried a job and was insulted by my recruiter so I quit. I was staying with my father and he decided to throw me out of his apartment (I was a fool for trusting him when he said I could stay there until I was on my feet.) It was in Wisconsin in March and, for anyone that's ever lived in Wisconsin, that means weather that at times borders on wintry (It has snowed several times over the years when the Brewers have opening day in April.) And that's how it was on that day. The temperature was in the 30s. I had no friends there that would take me in. I was going to die. I tried Salvation Army and they said they had a 30+ bed waiting line. I was literally going to freeze so I defended my life. I got my father's gun (I had never fired a gun except a BB one) and called him up at work. I didn't want to kill him or anything else. That's why I called him. I warned him I was going to defend my life. He called a SWAT team and I was arrested. My Dad is a Trump style Republican and always has been. Of course, that meant I was looked at as a criminal. I was taken to a psyche clinic, given a trial and sentenced to 6 months. I was not called to the witness stand. My Dad was and lied about our conflict. He said there was no reason for me to have acted like I did. I was 25 and had also had issues with my alcoholic mother who had fled our home and state when she separated from my alcoholic father six years earlier.

That's the backstory. Now the issue. I was not informed of SSI disability. I had no idea that was even available. To lock me up, they charged me $500 a day. Before my stay was over, I was saddled with a debt of over $50,000, which I have to this day. I was told about disability insurance the DAY BEFORE I was let out of the clinic. That insurance would have covered my stay. There were other abuses done to me after I left the clinic. The lesson I learned is that even family can toss you out and spit on you if they don't feel like you're meeting their standards. For my family, that meant a job. As I was deep in the throes of a bipolar disorder I had been diagnosed with less than 2 years before and an illness I had not even begun to contemplate, I was, even on an array of medications I also didn't understand, powerless against it. I've learned growing up as a Republican that the job was the most important thing. If you had one, you could do whatever you want. If not, you were rejected and tossed out. I used to think Republicans were the just truth tellers. From my experience, I have learned to be a sworn enemy to their ignorance and hateful evil towards the less fortunate. I have walked that mile (many) and the truth is that Republicans will sell you down the river at the first sign of trouble. They're evil people.

I think about my debt everyday. Sadly, on my last move, I forgot to inform the clinic up north (I live in Florida now) that I had moved again. They sent me a letter all but condemning me as a criminal trying to dodge what they consider to be my "responsibility." I've never had such an aggressive, hateful letter in my life. Sadly, there is no proof as I threw the letter away.

My heart and my soul, my very being, cries out for personal justice but also justice for the mentally ill people abused in the criminal justice system and laden with the burdens of massive debt. I did nothing to incur this debt. All I did was fight for my life against my father. I will fight this clinic of borderline scam artists with a lawyer when I can afford one. I know that the general public doesn't give a rat's ass and only assumes that the system is 100% just and that we deserve what we get. After all, I'm a criminal, right? I want to carry the mantle of crusader against the abuses of the system as I know people of my kind are currently being abused in forced clinic stays, treated like criminals and forced into massive debt. I vacillate in my belief in God but I ask for God's help and guidance in helping me attain justice for myself and other mentally ill people that feel the sting of system abuse. I want to carry them on my shoulders and fight for what I feel is right.

Thank you for reading.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

This Is What's It's Like When YOU Are Bipolar

As a bipolar person, I'm now going to try to make you understand bipolar disorder by making you feel bipolar. I thank all who read and want to learn.

Imagine being the saddest you've EVER BEEN in your life. Maybe it's the time when a cherished loved one died. Maybe it was when your mother or father died. Maybe it was a treasured grandparent. Remember how you felt when you first heard. Remember how you felt at the funeral. Remember the sense of loss knowing that you would never see them again, would never hear them again, would never laugh with them again. You think back on the all the times they played ball with you or helped you with your makeup and were there when you suffered defeat or needed wounds treated or just to have a hug or a pat on the back that everything was okay and you'd get them next time and would you like to go see a movie or did you need help with your homework and Christmas would be really fun that year. Think on the sadness of the memories knowing there could never be anymore. Or possibly your saddest moment is when you lost a beloved pet. Your family dog or cat. Remember the times when you loved on him or her and they loved you back unconditionally. Remember the times you were feeling down and you felt the pressure on your leg and it was your friend, who knew your pain like no one else, offering their affection with uplifted eyes, tail wagging, possibly with tongue out. They're the only one that really loves you, the only one that really cares. And now your pet is gone, possibly hit by a car or killed by another animal. You'll never see them again, never pet them, never feel the happiness when you know how happy they are to see you, never feel that pressure on your leg again. Never again. Remember how sad you were when you took them to the vet for the last time, when the vet took them from your arms, the last time you'd ever hold them. Remember and FEEL that sadness.

Now, imagine the MADDEST you've ever been. When someone has insulted you for how you look or what you think or what you believe or your weight or awkwardness or physical attractiveness. When someone called you stupid when you weren't, when they bullied you in the hall, when they mocked and humiliated you in front of your classmates, when they insulted your family members. Imagine your loved one has died and someone comes up and spits in their dead face or runs your cherished pet over on purpose then picks up the corpse and throws it to the side of the road laughing. Think about the time you were fired from a job because a coworker you hated makes things up about you to your boss and you're not given a chance to defend yourself. Think of the time you failed at something and an enemy rubbed it in. Think of the worst loss at anything you've ever had. Think of that time you could have seriously picked up a baseball bat and parted someone's skull with it.

Now FEEL THE SADNESS AND ANGER AT THE SAME TIME. Not sadness transformed into anger or anger transformed into sadness. Both simultaneously. A bit lump of depressed deadness and enraged agitation like two different people in completely different moods are in your body. Your beloved pet has just died AND you're being taunted by a person you hate. Your cherished family member has died and someone tells you they deserved it. You're devastated and enraged at the same time. The worst sadness you've ever felt and the worst rage you've ever felt coexist, both in the same place. This is the brain of a bipolar person. Bipolar people feel that push/pull EVERYDAY. That is the tragedy of bipolar disorder. Would you function properly? Would you feel happy? Would you be able to live life to its fullest and progress into steady success in the world? Would you feel peace and contentment? Remember. It's EVERYDAY.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

I Survived Irma - A Report from Just Outside Orlando.

I live in Winter Park, FL, which is pretty much a suburb of Orlando. We tried to treat Irma initially with the kind of healthy skepticism/optimism people do with these things, hoping it wouldn't be as bad as forecasted. It never is, right? I went through Charley in 2004. It was loud and windy, of course, but it never really got that bad where I was, though I did lose power for 5 days. Irma was EVERYTHING they said it was going to be.

The winds were picking up all day Sunday. I was hoping to get as much football in as possible as I'm a Packer fan (KEEP READING!) Around the time the game ended was when the our power went out. It was one of those progressive deals where the wind picked up and the rain started falling heavier and it was only a matter of time. Ours went out around 9 PM. I talked to my Dad on the phone around 11 PM. At that time, it was windier than a regular bad storm and the rain was spitting, the kind that heavily sprays your face from big wind gusts. I sat on an old couch I have on my porch and just kind of took it all in. Of course, I was thinking: "This is going to be as bad as it gets, right? Pretty windy and rainy but...what are the wind gusts right now? 40? 50? Shouldn't get much worse than that, right?" So I listened to my IPOD in bed and figured I'd sleep through most of it. I turned the IPOD off around 1 AM and my ears were greeted with just incredible noise from outside, dwarfing anything I'd heard from Charley. I went to my glass door, opened it and looked outside and it was a maelstrom. The winds had picked up probably 40 to 50 mph from where they were when I first started listening to my IPOD. I had a good view of several large trees and they were being whipped around like feathers in a wind tunnel. It was like wind bombs were planted inside and were going off. Even the biggest trees looked like they were going to break into pieces at any moment. It was like the wind was a human tearing apart a piece of broccoli. There was a leaning tree across the way that I was particularly cheering for. It got battered and slightly uprooted but survived. I couldn't turn away, partly from curiosity and partly from fear. It was like I'd miss the falling tree with my name on it if I turned away and I wanted to see it coming. And, hey, Pliny the Elder's curiosity got him killed when Vesuvius blew and buried Pompeii in 79 AD so I definitely wanted to be cognizant of what was happening. If he could be intellectually courageous, so could I! Every now and again, a blast of lightning would shine in the clouds and, coupled with the wind and rain, was particularly eerie and terrifying. It was one of those humbling experiences where we realize just how easily weather can rip us to pieces or turn us to slush whenever it really wants to, which is the scariest when we're actually in the grip of that weather. I got a bit of sleep around 2 AM but the winds didn't die down. It was so constant and lasted so long that there was no exhale period. It even stayed windy the next day, though the rain had gone and it was sunny out.

I got up early the next day and went to a friends to see if she was okay. Branches and leaves littered the complex. Large fences were blown down and gutters were torn asunder. Interestingly, we didn't have much of a rain problem the morning after. The water level of our local creek wasn't out on control and there were only occasional collections in the parking lots. I think we have good drainage where we are. I lost power for almost 48 hours, which is more than acceptable when you get hit like we did. I won't go into any of that. Bottom line, if any hurricane of this intensity comes again, GET THE FUCK OUT! I rode this one out but I'm not sticking around for the next one. It was as bad as the weather people said it would be. Still, it was also a bit of an honor watching it happen. Hopefully, it will be the biggest one I ever see but now I can now proudly wear the "I Survived Irma" T-shirt.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

God - Should we keep trying to figure "Him" out?

As we all know, mankind has pondered about God and the idea of God since humans have been able to think and wonder. Religious structures (such as ziggurats then churches) were the first buildings built in town in the ancient world and the most powerful people in the communities (apart from a king) were priests. Why? Because we all die and we don't know what happens. That is the great mystery. Let's be honest. Death is terrible. We rot. Our faces and our bodies shrivel up. We can't do the fun things in life we've always done EVER again. No more of our favorite music and films. We'll never see our beloved family members and our beloved pets ever again and, if all consciousness dies with us, we won't even remember these things. Death sucks. It's the destroyer of hope and joy and happiness. Death is a genocidal murderer and no one escapes. Death is extinction.

Soooo! With all that happy stuff out of the way, why do we think about God? Because we need to, we MUST, think that we will not end. Yes, we need it for our emotions. Atheists love pointing that out as to why believers believe. My question to atheists would be "What's wrong with that?" IMO, no human being can relish the idea of being TRULY dead, of our consciousness ending and all we know and love. Such people are like ones that would welcome Alzheimer's disease because it's pretty much the same thing, isn't it? The mind is destroyed and we're forced to go with it.

With the rise of scientific knowledge, we've become very unimaginative and non-curious about the idea of a higher power or a higher "something." I'll state now that I'm a 100% science believer and adherer and I do not believe that the idea (necessarily) of God and a scientific universe existing at the same time is a belief in Intelligent Design. Some of the greatest philosophic and scientific minds in human history have STILL, ever after much knowledge of the physical universe has been achieved, pondered and wondered about a thing called "God." That's what truly smart people do. Most scientists try to find God in the Big Bang, the starter and creator of the universe. Philosophers just want to know what the heck is going on and ask God questions even if they don't have to.

So, if we're going to ponder the idea of God in our "I don't believe in jack shit" society, how do we go about it? A better question is "CAN we go about it?" meaning there have been so many theories about God over the thousands of years of human history that we have to ask ourselves if it's all been thought of before. Truly, the more ideas of God, the more religions and scientific wonderings and philosophic deductions we read, the more we wonder if we're closer to an idea of God or farther away or we just throw up our hands and say we don't know. To me, we're all naturally agnostic about the idea of a God because we just can't prove His (using the Christian term) existence one way or another unless we believe that the idea of God has already been hit on by someone. I enjoy studying unsolved murder cases and the Jack the Ripper case is one of my favorites. In assessing Ripper suspects, I ask the question: "Do I believe the Ripper is one of the suspects already named or do I believe he's escaped the suspect list thus far and that we have to keep trying to find him?" I view God the same way. Has God, the true nature of a thing called God, already been hit on by someone? Do the Christians have it right? What about Hindus? Buddhists? The Greeks and Romans believe in a many gods and goddesses (as do Hindus.) Is there something in any of that? The Pharaoh Akhenaten believed the sun was the true God. Various ancient Greek philosophers believed the world began in fire or water. Aristotle believed in a Prime Mover, the idea of cause and effect. The universe moves forward, therefore something must have started it moving. Whatever that original mover is is "God," the thing that started it all. And, of course, scientists posit the Big Bang Theory that dust and gases condensed with incredible pressure, blew up and sent force the materials and structures that make up the universe today. Others say they don't believe in religion but they do believe in a "higher power." What does this mean exactly?

Surely one of these ideas has to be the correct one, right? Our greatest minds have used physical evidence through experimentation and logic through physical observation and intuition and everything else in the book. At least one of them must have succeeded where others have failed? This is where atheists are born. They look at the evidence as they see it and conclude that God isn't real. Their argument is overwhelmingly that God can't be real because religion is stupid. I would point out to them that they do not believe IN RELIGION but, who says religion knows what God is or isn't? A God may exist that religion has completely missed, the unnamed serial killer that escaped the suspect list (you all understand I'm not saying God is a serial killer.) THAT is why we have to continue to try to figure out if God, or whatever we believe everything is about, exists or not. It's possibly the Road Not Taken (yet.) We take the one less travelled by and that makes the difference because we discover and we pioneer. WE may be able to figure out the God question where genius minds have tried before! Science is all about discovery and experience. Humanity is all about discovery and experience. We need places for our minds to go, puzzles to work on. New territories and worlds to discover, new ideas to think up. That's how humans grow, how we evolve. It may be the dumbest thing in the world to want to know but that is the most human thing we can do. We die. We HAVE to try to figure out why, whether our lives mean anything, if how we live our lives means anything. That's the true joy of thinking IMO. We don't stop short trying to understand a hard reality that we all must face and what happens afterwards because however we consider that reality to be is how we think God or the idea of a God is. Plus, how boring and lazy and hopeless just thinking we go in a hole and shrivel up and rot and that's it! No. We have to wonder and we have to ponder because WE CAN. We can think in those ways and that separates us from mindless animals, that sheer, evolved ability to think and feel there's a way we can live on in some capacity, achieve a form of consciousness or happiness independent of our bodies that rot, the thought that we may have something called a soul that lives on. That's what life and hope are all about. The greatest minds in human history have pondered whether something called God exists or not. I choose to follow in those footsteps. I refuse to just say it's all stupid and screw it. I want to know. I have to know.

Thanks for reading.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

My sexuaility and mental illness - Bondage scenarios

For some of my sexual history and preferences, I'll start with softcore bondage scenarios. Ever since I was a kid, I've been into bondage scenarios acted out on movies and television. I'm one of "those people." This part of my sexual experience is consistent with people that produce fetish porn, which I have been into for a long time. For some reason, seeing women tied up and gagged was just overpoweringly intoxicating to me from a very young age. Maybe it was seeing expressions of female vulnerability and helplessness acted out. I've always been into the damsel in distress storylines. Maybe because my Mom was a bit of damsel in distress for certain reasons fueled me unconsciously. It's probably that I was in distress, also, for reasons that I didn't understand until much later. I would draw art of certain animated characters I liked tied up, nearly always female but sometimes male. Not sure if the male represented me. It's the kind of thing you see on Deviantart.com though my drawings were very primitive. I'm always trying to look for the psychological significance of this behavior. I would draw gags over characters in comic or coloring books. The identity switch fantasy of one character tying up another and taking their place has been one of my big turn ons. That may be because growing mental illness was taking me over and replacing me as my sexual brain was developing. I'm not posting for titalization purposes so I'm going to keep grounding my posts will psychological insights. I would tape bondage situations off TV and movies and keep them to enjoy later (AKA masturbate to.) I'll state now that none of my fantasies involve pain. I am not into dungeon bondage or pain or any of that and I don't like when any scenarios end in death. Momentary restraint with all being well in the end is what I like. I've been into softer core though very sexual bondage sites and magazines for a long time. As I look at their activity, I think I'm seeing the need for people "falling apart" through some kinds of mental illness as needing to get it together, to "tie themselves up" in acted out ways, like tying up a box with tape to keep it together. Bondage situations as power and submission games have been played for thousands of years but I'm talking less sadism and masochism and more just the emotional need to maintain some kind of ego fusion, especially when growing up and ignorant of just about everything as I was growing up as a bipolar/OCD young adult. There were just things I liked and did. Over time, even the look is all I need. Like many in the fetish bondage community, I have my favorite gags and looks and scenarios. I know I'm not alone but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.

So is being into softcore bondage stuff a sign of mental illness? This is where my last post about seuxality being complex comes into play. I don't know. I also don't know whether I'm distressed by my desire or not. In a vacuum, I think I'm okay with it because it's not hurting anyone and bondage situations have long been accepted as a very widespread and relatively normal sexual kink. Problem is, I'm very concerned about how others see me as far as sexuality goes. It's been very hard for me to write this post though I feel I want to. I don't want anyone thinking I'm a pervert. Even more so, I don't want to think that I'M a pervert. At this point, I could speculate constantly on exactly what sexual perversion is but that's long winded and unnecessary. Part of being "weird," having different or not orthodox sexual turn ons means either condemning and trying to eliminate them or accepting them. I pretty much accept that i have this turn on but I suppose I'm still sexually insecure when it comes to perception and reality. In that way, thinking sexuality is relatively unimportant may be hurting me because I don't take pains to feel comfortable with myself. Is what I'm into sick and crazy? I don't think so because it's not about pain and there are certain situations I've seen acted out that I disapprove of. Mountain out of a molehill? Maybe but, like I say, I'm OCD and OCD people have overpowering feelings of guilt and disgust for things that are usually benign. In that way, I think my post is maybe more about feeling adequate about myself.



My Sexuality and Mental Illness

I don't consider sexuality to be a big deal. I don't. To me, sexuality just is, it's a physical and chemical state of identity and pleasure seeking. I think that's one reason why I'm just blogging on this now instead of a few years ago. Also, though I don't consider sexuality a big deal, I know others get flat out crazy obsessed with it. Growing up in a conservative climate, I was always terrified to have, any, really, of my sexual exploits and appetites discovered. That's because, sexually, I perceive myself as falling into the "weird" category and such people are really only accepted and valued by similar people. As all people growing up in a conservative setting are taught that sexual variation is evil and gay people are garbage, I learned how to shove my sexual progression down deep and to be TERRIFIED of anyone finding out. I couldn't have lived with the embarrassment in that setting and I would have been insulted and mocked on a daily basis. That said, I believe some of my escapades and urges were symptomatic of mental illness as I had a certain thought process and set of core desires that faded when I began treatment around age 19. As I didn't know then and I still don't know now what exactly is "crazy" when it comes to my sexuality, what is normal and what is just mindless fun so I feel the need to blog and get it out in the open.

I feel a certain amount of guilt surrounding my sexuality and what I'm into. As unnecessary guilt is a symptom of OCD and I have it in spades, I've always felt the need to "confess" just about everything I've ever done or thought that isn't straight laced, 100% normal or regular as I've been raised to see it having grown up in a conservative climate that included Catholic school until I was 15. Now, at age 44, I have no idea where my "true" sexuality begins (whatever that is), what are acceptable kinks, what are perversions I need to work on and all points in between. As I've felt, observed and studied, sexuality is an extremely complex thing and I'll admit I'm fairly confused on how to perceive mine.

Future posts will be about my sexuality, sexual preferences and a bit of sexual history.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Prison Psyche Clinic Commitment - My experience in 1998

I had a domestic dispute with my father in early 1998. I'd like to blog about it here but it's still too emotionally charged for me. However, I want to blog about my subsequent commitment so I'll just say that the domestic dispute involved a gun and a crime I was forced into and go from there. I was taken by a SWAT team (yeah, it's fucked up) to a psyche clinic where I was eventually committed by a court to be locked up for five months from April to August 1998.

I want to blog about this as another experience that some in the mentally ill community have to go through. The facts of my arrest is that it was self-defense but I still got committed. Feeling that sense of injustice shades my views of my experience and I grapple with how to perceive the whole thing. I'll just shoot from the hip.

I remember being brought to the facility in either late March or early April 1998 when I was 25 years old. I had clashed with my father so badly as my mental health declined and his patience with me not being the greatest thing in the world declined that I was happy I had been arrested. I had a mug shot where I managed a relieved, tired smile. There was going to be change and I was relieved. I went from a bad situation to a new one, whatever that situation was going to be.

I can't remember much early on after my intake. There were two sections of the facility where I ended up. I started on one side and was eventually moved to the other after a month or so. It was a nice facility and I'm glad for that. The workers were pretty cool. I liken it to prisoners and guards having jovial relationships. There was also the "They can't help it they're crazy" vibe. My fellow patients and I weren't treated like monsters though I don't think any of us were there for truly violent crimes. I remember doing a crossword puzzle with one of the female workers most mornings. It's also funny that one of the people that worked for the police on my intake was a guy I'd played baseball against in high school. Even more funny was that one of the workers in the clinic was a guy I was friends with from work at a summer job. Seriously. I'm in the clinic and there was Rick handing out trays of food. I chatted with him once or twice I think and that was it.

One of the patients I got to know a little on that first unit was a girl that had been in the headlines of the local paper. She was a drug mom (not sure if it was cocaine or not.) She had two kids but had a major drug problem she was unwilling to stop. She also was unwilling to let go of her kids and the issue made the papers. She loved her kids but never really seemed to grasp the enormity of her situation and how she was ruining it. I do remember she cried at least once over it. We played Uno and watched Fresh Prince of Bel Air reruns and she was jovial but kind of simple. I think she also bragged about making the paper, though it was for a ridiculous reason. Looking back at it, I think she was just a person lost in the world that had grown up responsibilities she couldn't handle. We never got close and I don't know what happened to her.

The procedures of the clinic were workmanlike like any hospital, I suppose. We'd get trays of food three times a day and we'd be let outside to play basketball or whatever once or twice a day. There was a factory next door and I remember one time the male laborers there were on lunch break outside and kept shouting insults at us. The routine was simplistic. We'd go to a cafeteria and I'd read a Time magazine or whatever on a short break and then we'd go to classes where they'd teach us how to prepare food, one of those routine things that didn't affect most mentally ill people there, though I do remember one guy that clearly needed the classes. I had a fine relationship with the tech workers there. They were all pretty cool though at times they talked about us within ear shot like we couldn't understand simple English. There was a short exercise class where we'd do yoga or something and we'd sometimes be taken to a room to watch a movie. They inflicted the 1994 Flintstones movie on us at one point. One cool thing is I remember watching the 1998 NBA playoffs when the Bulls beat the Pacers and then the Jazz. I was a huge Bulls fan and so was one of the workers and we got revved up during the games. One of my few happy memories of the place.

I had routine meetings with a female doctor. I can't remember much about them other than the typical "How are you feeling I'm feeling fine" stuff. I got a little close with another patient named Pam. She was in the clinic for trying to kill herself with aspirin. She said she'd taken 150 of them and was found barely alive. She was sweet and we'd build each other up expressing our compassion. I seem to remember her parents were wealthy and there was never really a problem concerning her release and what would happen next. There were plenty of problems for me upcoming. My Dad had actually come to visit me a few times in the clinic and I think everyone saw it that I was some poor misguided idiot that tried to hurt his loving father. Bottom line was my Dad was an abusive piece of shit during this time. As I got sicker, he got angrier and more demanding and I couldn't do it. He lied at my short trial and he lied when people asked about me. The public father was phony and I bore the abuse in private. As my Dad is a Republican, it was during this time that I started to reject them. All the "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps!" rhetoric and "You're a deadbeat!" shit was proven to me to be a lie. The ream world of mental illness had been opened up to me and that right wing nonsense only made the situation worse. I see this as the beginning of a very long and painful journey that continues today. I wish I could say this was the rockiest time in my life but it wasn't, specifically because my health would decline even more seriously at various times in the future.

At the end of the clinic stay, I was to be released in August of 1998. I was told about disability insurance the day before I was released. By that time, they had racked up a $50,000 debt on me that remains to this day. I was put in halfway house where I was given two weeks to solve all the world's problems. That meant getting a job and a place to stay and all that because my family didn't want anything to do with me. I tried but wasn't remotely well enough to make it on my own. I was kicked out by the head of the halfway house after two weeks. Panicked and not knowing what to do, I went back to the psyche clinic to tell them what happened. I was pretty delusional and said something to one of the desk workers that she took as a threat. It wasn't and I was never asked about it. It's not like justice or closure was important to anyone besides me at the time. I was just seen as another nut. I was put back into the clinic for a time though I don't remember how long. The funny thing was I was blamed by the person at the halfway house for leaving when the person had thrown me out! I was firmly wedged in cracks in the system that good, well meaning people fall into occasionally. I think we all grow up knowing there are bad situations like this and we rest on the knowledge that it will never happen to us. Yet, there I was. It was happening to me.

Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

America Divorced and Reunited: Two Systems and Two Presidents

I write this as the struggle for and against Obamacare is reaching a fever pitch and political and business interests try to control America's health.

Since its infancy, America has been split in two. It began with Jeffersonians opposed to the ideas of Alexander Hamilton and vice versa, the antebellum South with slavery and the North without which led to the Civil War, and continuing today with Democrats and Republicans in a virtual death struggle. We've prided ourselves on the delusion that we're all truly one, one, united America that is able to look beyond the petty and come together when it matters most. Sadly, this is exactly that, a delusion. We have always been a nation of two minds and two hearts, the latter being the stumbling block and eventual deal killer. The example I'll use is abortion. How can the pro-choice and pro-life forces ever see eye to eye on policy? They can't and both sides care deeply about the issue. So what we have are right and left wing elements bitterly opposed to each other trying to destroy each other. All Americans? No. Two Americas. There have always been two Americas. The Civil War was the only major attempt to split the nation but that came when the South seceded over the fear of losing their slaves. It was a geographic split but not a TRUE ideological split. My proposal (or at least food for thought) concerns how America, by splitting into two different elements, can achieve true balance and harmony while maintaining social integration and freedom and justice for all. My system is intended to promote happiness with as little conflict among Americans as possible.

The two systems will consist of government/medical on the one and big business/organized religion on the other. Not surprisingly, overwhelmingly left wing interested people with side with government while right wing people side with big business.

System No. 1: Big Business/Religion

The ideological mover on this is mostly with the big business/organized religion side. Big Business/American Corporations live to loathe government interference into their affairs AKA financial matters. Corporate interests have tried to control the actions of government for well over a century in our history with the intention of making it as weak and toothless as possible. The perfect illustration is the appointees of Donald Trump to key government offices. That he appointed completely or nearly completely unqualified people to these positions and, even worse, some that actually HATE the department they now head, make it clear that powerful business interests view government very negatively. This has also filtered down into the right wing citizenry, many of whom hate government as a cult of personality, not because government is bad in general or to them specifically. This attitude is virtually unchangeable. One of the hardest things to do in our country is convince a right winger that his views may not be beneficial to him. He believes what he believes and that's it. This kind of inflexibility will always stand in the way of advancement. Perhaps no group exemplifies the inability to grow so much. Instead of forcing these people in a particular direction, as Americans, we should look to pacify them. Whatever makes them happy is the most sensible direction. There is an overlap between these right wing people and organized religion.

Organized religion: Personally, my view is that a proper separation of church and state is the best way. In my system, that would be a firm reality. As we currently have one government, religious conservatives have felt the need to meddle in matters of state with the intention of making America the Christian theocracy they delude themselves it's always been. As you can tell, I have no patience for religious meddling with the intention of making secular law religious law. As America is overwhelmingly Judeo-Christian, they are the example I've chosen.

As there is a large overlap between those that grow up in the church and those that eventually go into corporate America, I have chosen to connect these two. They are both right wing American stalwarts, in bed with each other, and should stay there. They have strong core connections.

I separate government from Big Business and religion because Big Business and religion and have since divorced themselves from government (as I illustrated with my previous Trump appointee example.) If it were up to Big Business and organized religion, we would have no government, just the rule of a small oligarchy of powerful business interests and religious leaders. In my system, they will get their wish. Anything resembling a government structure will be eliminated and they will have the freedom to do as they choose. That means no unions, no government minimum wage, or any other government programs Big Business hates. This will make Big Business happy. If their workers choose to not be protected, that will be their business. As government is gone, organized religion will have no need to influence it any longer. Their system will be how they like it and will probably regress to a standard of religious law long since past. Abortion will be illegal. Contraception will be illegal, etc.

On matters of law, Big Business and organized religion will no doubt feel the need to dialogue. This is their definition of separation of church and state (that isn't really separate.) They can have their own legislative body but, as they're going to be mostly in harmony with each other (which is the major benefit of my system) legal matters will be relatively uncontentious. A Congress is probably not needed, just one Senate comprised of business and religious interests. Imagine Congress with no Democrats. That's what I'm talking here. Money for them is money. They can do with it as they please with no restrictions on those at the top if that's what the citizenry wants.

If a legislative body is to be chosen, it will be chosen by the citizens via vote. In order for both systems of America to interact and flourish, Big Business/Religion will have to have a president. Obviously, this president will be very much in the camp of the interests of Big Business and religion.

The military is overwhelmingly comprised of right wing interests but I don't have them as one separate unit. I'll bring them up in my next post on government/medical.

System No. 2: Government/Medical

As Big Business/Organized Religion is essentially the absence of government, then Government/Medical is the absence of Big Business/religion. This is the true separation of church and state. Most American Democrats will fall into this group, people that believe in science and not superstition, people that aren't overly spiritual or have a different spiritual belief system from organized religion, etc. As American religion is still very anti-gay (sorry, it is), most homosexuals will choose to be under a government system.

I'll take time out here to say that whatever system you choose to belong to is your choice. However, some will fall into a particular group, some will have no choice but to go with a particular group if the other rejects them for different views. That's just a sad reality. The Government system will automatically take anyone rejected from the other system.

Government will have as little to do with corporate interests as possible. There will be no great inequality of wealth (though people like doctors that fall into this category can have whatever privileges the government citizenry chooses.) There will be no need for unions because government workers will have no conflict with Big Business. Government will be responsible for the nation's public works and all public workers will fall under government protection. Construction work will be government controlled, not controlled by small business interests. Small business interests will have the choice to operate in either system. As the Big Business system will probably try to swallow them up, they can choose the Government system and will be allowed to grow as much as they choose. If they reach a certain status and power, they will then be shifted to the Big Business section and will function under their rules.

The Government system Is obviously more socialistic but it's not pure socialism. People will have the freedom to operate within the Government system in a variety of jobs. Government will have no financial ties with Big Business and will operate free of religion.

Emphasis here on the idea is that both systems will work for the mutual benefit of the other. They are both systems comprised of Americans and will handle the different tasks needed for the country. They will just act in each other's interests with their own structures free of the meddling of the other side.

The Government/Medical system will have necessary facilities such as gyms and groceries and other things people need in their daily lives they won't get from corporations. These facilities will be state owned though small business under the Government banner can also offer such facilities. There can also be different programs for creative development paid for by the Government system. If movies are produced by major studios/corporations, the actors and other workers will fit into the Big Business system.

Like in the Big Business/Religion system, there will be a Government/medical president chosen by the citizenry, hopefully in their best interests. Any legislative body can be created. Like the Big Business/Religion system, harmony over policy will be much more likely, therefore a kind of Senate is probably all that will be needed. Many in this Senate will probably be various leaders in the medical profession.

There will be compromise of the police and military. The police will fall under the Government system and all officers will officially be federal employees, not state. The military can be privatized as so many military people are strongly right wing in sentiment. This leads to the following check:

Special Role and Connection of the Military and Medical:

This is about checks and balances for the reason that the US military is overwhelmingly right wing at heart and militaries throughout history have often taken advantage of their power for conquest. Therefore, the military will fall under the system of Big Business and Religion and medical will be part of Government/Medical. If the right wing interests feel like trying to use the military might of the country to overwhelm the Government side, the medical can pull all its support and refuse to treat anyone in the right wing system, specifically the military. As being in either system is a choice, healthcare is free for those in the Government system. There will also be a special relationship with the medical profession and American soldiers whereby all soldiers have access to free medical care. Corporate business people and religious interests in their system will have no healthcare insurance and will have to pay out of pocket via an affordable pricing plan. However, the wealthier the citizen, the more the medical profession can choose to charge. As so many people that will fall into the Big Business/Religion system complain about socialist medicine and cheap, Medicaid doctors and such, I'm sure they'll be more than glad to put up instead of shut up. If they don't want socialist medicine, they will not get socialistic medicine. They will have to pay out of pocket.

Healthcare is the most contentious issue in America today and my system is designed to give people what they want based on their values. You can't rail against "socialistic" medicine and vote against it and still get the benefits. Choose the benefits or choose they system that pays out of pocket.

America Divided Becomes America Reunited:

In closing, I'll state that my dual system model is not designed to separate or segregate Americans. We will all live in the same places with the same people. There will be no separation based on race or any other factor. However, as right wing interests tend to be more racially motivated, any rejection from their system will be made up for as the Government side will automatically take them in. The Government system will continue and expand social programs for any persecuted or left out groups of society and will train them to work for the government or medical profession in productive, helpful ways. Disabled people will automatically fall under the Government banner unless they choose the Big Business/Religion side and can make it work. The Government/Medical side is meant to be a 100% safety net for all that need it. Right wing business and/or religious interests can't interfere with it. As the Government/Medical side won't be allowed to mess with the other system, both sides should flourish without impediments. The idea here is that we have both Big Business and Big Government, both strong and working to fit the needs of their citizens. Both Presidents, as a matter of course, will be friendly and accommodating to each other, even if they don't like each other personally. This is the closest America will come to the probable Democrat vs. Republican relationship. With both systems accommodating their respective citizenries, these presidential meetings should be very smooth.

There will be some obvious kinks to be worked out in my system and I don't expect anyone to go for it. Though they complain, right wing interests will no doubt never give up their own health insurance, even if they're richer than God. I'll also clarify that religious people can still operate under the Government system but there will be no attempt to influence that system or create a religious financial power base in it. There can be churches but religious people in the Government system will mostly feel the desire to believe in their religion where it counts. In their hearts and not in a power structure.






Wednesday, June 21, 2017

My Early Experiences with Doctors and Prozac - 1992-1994

I'm going to try to keep this at least somewhat organized and on topic so bear with me. I had a lot of things going on in my mind and was on different substances and in the dark with most of them so let's get into it.

A short scene set. I was 18 in 1991 and had just gone to college. My parents had separated a year or so earlier and it hit me very hard. Mom had been going to therapy my senior year in HS and came home talking about depression and medications and trauma and such. At that point in my life, I knew ZERO about psychology and mental illness. I'd never been to a therapist or knew anything about them. I had, myself, noticed some overly intense moods as I neared college and the anxiety which came from leaving home for the first time. I had been a high achiever to that point in my life and was very aware of anything that might interfere with a positive progression. So I went to college for the 1991-1992 school year feeling, what I consider, to be normal depressed feelings over my parents splitting. I was also angry that they had lied to me and not told me the truth about problems in their marriage. I felt I was on point and that kind of BS I didn't need.

So I'm at college and I'm feeling sad. I'm very much a natural homebody and leaving home was tough. I took long walks my first week and tried to look forward to the new college football season coming up. My roommate was an older, legal age Hispanic. First weekend, he invited me to a party with his friends and cousins (he's Hispanic. He has like a million cousins.) I had never partied in high school and had about five drinks of alcohol in my life up to that point. So I go to the house party and get sloshed and had a GREAT TIME. Seriously, I cursed myself for never drinking in HS because I had a complete blast, flirted and all kinds of stuff. It was a pure social thing. I didn't drink on my own later and never have. I had long had crushing social anxiety after growing up being bullied and the booze wonderfully took that away. I felt strong, like I could loosen up and have fun. However, hangovers were tough and I spent the first half of the next day battling sad moods. I suppose my first time getting drunk in college was the first time I'd ever been barraged with major substances in my life. Added to this behavior was my Mom calling me from out of state (where she'd moved) making me very sad by telling me she was so unhappy and how bad a guy my Dad was and blah blah blah. I was 18 and my life was just taking off and I didn't want her messing with that. Her talk of doctors and drugs for depression got my attention, however, as did her talks of how messed up I was and our family was that she was spouting. Wait until I'm completely developed and need to be on top of my game away from home for all this. Thanks, Mom.

So I'm talking to Mom and it's making me depressed and I'm partying HARD once a week. I was very proud that I was fitting in well/adjusting to college. This first year was truly the happiest of my life because I was socially happy. However, there was a nagging sadness weighing me down and a CRUSHING anxiety. So I listened to my Mom and went to a therapist. As far as anxiety went, I couldn't be on drugs fast enough. It was really killing me. I've also always been a perfectionist and self-improvement freak and I was just having problems compared with how I used to be. So I went to the doctor my Mom went to before she moved out of state. He was a GP and that was a major, major mistake right off the bat. However, illnesses or psychology or any of that crap wasn't on my mind, whatsoever. I wasn't feeling well, wasn't functioning as well as I wanted so I went in. Mom came up to visit and we both went. Needless to say, I was put on meds for depression without having a clue what it was. I was very simple. I was feeling sad and, if I had a problem, I wanted to be responsible and treat it. Over time and in retrospect, I had always had a morose side to me, even as a child. I had always been taught to live for now and not go over the past so that's what I had always done. I concentrated on now, my current focus and life and my future. I was about functioning and success, not therapy and examining my past and all that. My view was that all that was crazy people and my family and I weren't crazy so fuck it. I didn't want anything to do with it. So there was a mountain of personal and family denial at the time. Honestly, though, I didn't want to be that deep. I just wanted to have fun and be happy, which I think a lot of 18 years olds want.

So I try to a low dose of Prozac and the benzo Klonopin. It's the second semester of my freshman year in college. 1992. I had just turned 19 around this time. This starts the really confusing stuff in my life LOL. For the next four years, I was on a revolving door of benzos and antidepressants, mood stabilizers and the like and I'm still not quite sure which drug did what at what time. I also kept partying once a week and getting sloshed every time so I was mixing meds and booze. I was strictly act and react depending on how I felt. If I felt sad, it was time for an antidepressant. If I felt anxious, it was time for a benzo. When it was time to release pent up energy, lose my inhibitions and party, that was heavy booze once a week. I was flying completely blind on illnesses and had ZERO clue that I was bipolar or anything of the like. I wouldn't be diagnosed bipolar until 1995 so that's a full three years away. What I had was that intuitive sense that a LOT was wrong with me. I even told my doctor that later on, that I was going to be one of the more messed up people he'd ever treated. So I started my therapy journey, one I wanted nothing to do with. This is when miscommunication and my own lack of knowledge and understanding almost killed me. My doctor, whom I saw about once a month, didn't understand me and I had no clue what he was saying. My Mom was meddling, too. I've since realized Mom is bipolar, too, and has always been really messed up. I'm understanding but, at this time, she needed to stay the heck out of my life but she was sad and all that and would call me and upset me and rip on my Dad. Distractions and all around crap at the point in my life when I needed to be full throttle, 100% focused and going in the right direction (meaning success in the world.)

I've always been ultra sensitive to anything affecting my body, much more so then because I had never been on drugs and hadn't drunk booze until very recently. What I realize now is that the Prozac had triggered mania I didn't know existed. I started having that "jumping out of my skin" feeling. I was so nervous, almost shaking like I wanted to explode and run out into the street. I suppose that was manic energy. So I'm completely confused about this and very shaken. That's when the miscommunication with my doctor almost proved fatal to me. Reminder that I was taking two different meds, a benzo for anxiety and Prozac for depression. Those two drugs affect the brain in very different ways. Unbeknownst to me, I was taking what was, effectively, an upper and a downer at the same time without knowing it. I told my doctor that I felt like jumping out of my skin. Any psychiatrist would immediately recognize that as mania but this was a GP. I've since become a complete believer that GPs should not be allowed to prescribe psychiatric medications. Anyway, his answer was one that served as a negative crossroads for my life to that point. He said: "It's not the drugs. It's you."

In defense of the guy, there clearly was some kind of misunderstanding. Honestly, I to this day don't know exactly what he meant. I was one way for 18 years, I take drugs, suddenly wig out yet it's not the drugs, it's me? At that moment, I began to identify with my symptoms. I was extremely intense and that jumping out of my skin feeling I came to embrace. It was me. I was powerful and forceful. The Prozac also did its job on depression and I felt chemically happy with whatever I was. In retrospect (that word again), I realize I was also having delusions from rapid cycling. I thought I was THE man. I was confident but it was crazy confident. Forceful is the perfect word. I had no clue what mania was but, whatever I was, it was me and not the drugs. So I was essentially an intense maniac that popped benzos in increasing amounts and self-medicating heavily with booze once a week. I very much had delusions of grandeur. I was also very in denial about any kind of "craziness." I wasn't crazy. Period. Meaning whatever the drugs did they did completely. Whatever the drugs did, they cured what was needed. There was another bad miscommunication at this point. My benzo use was making me feel horribly stoned and apathetic. I told the doctor I should get off them. I believe I said "I need to get off these drugs" but I was not able to differentiate. I suppose he thought I was a lifelong depression case by this time but he didn't tell me. He said I would always be on these drugs. In retrospect (rim shot now), I suppose me saw me as I eventually came to see me many years later but, as a 19 year old with no clue what mental illness was, I was extremely consternated and confused. He clearly meant I had to stay on the antidepressant (the idiot not having diagnosed my obvious bipolar disorder.) I took that to mean all of it and that led to my constant horrible benzodiazepine use for the next four years. I was eventually on 6 mgs of Ativan a day, a massive amount, morning, noon, and night. My memory is very sketchy during this period because, as I learned later, benzos have hypnotic effects, as well as memory disrupting effects. My GP (which won't surprise you by this time) said the drugs I was taking had no side effects other than cotton mouth, potential nausea, etc. I feel like I'm a poster child for what doctors believed in the early days of meds like Prozac and what they know today. All I was told was how Prozac was a wonder drug, how it was only about positives. Never was I told it would make me feel suicidal or trigger a mania I had no clue I had or any of that. It's hard for me not to think I got dicked on the whole thing.

So I was a mess going into taking meds and a complete disaster a few years later. I was a mixed bag of moods and emotions. At times, I felt the meds were my salvation and a horrible, addictive dependence at others. I still wasn't truly happy so I kept switching antidepressants and mood stabilizers. I had gotten the "chemical imbalance" speech from my doctor (and my Mom) so it was all about what drug would make me feel happy. Ironically, I was never more popular with women than I was at this moment. Maybe they saw a wounded man. Mom stumped for me being on medication. Dad wanted the old Jeff and felt like meds were hurting, not helping me. Turns out they were both right and both wrong but I didn't know it then. My life had become erratic. I had started living for fun and just being happy (as it had become so elusive.) Serious things like school just weren't as important. If I was feeling bad, I skipped class. As stated, I was so tired from constant benzo use that I had taken to sleeping through more classes than I stayed awake for. My grades tanked as I tanked. This led to much conflict between my Dad and I. I just wanted to be happy and Dad, who was paying my way through college, became very irate at my lack of success. I don't demonize Dad at this time. I had just greatly changed as a person and so had my life outlook. I was in the middle phase between a relatively healthy emotional state going into college and my full diagnosis as bipolar in 1995. There was a lot of upset in between.

Thank you for reading. I may add to this later as there's a lot more story to tell. As I wrote initially, I hope I've stayed relatively on point with the topic.

Peace. And I very much mean that.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Taking our 2013 National Championship - A Louisville Fan's Pain.

This is from my deeply wounded heart:

Yesterday, the University of Louisville Cardinals had, for the first time in the history of college basketball, our championship taken away by the NCAA. I say "our" because the players are the University of Louisville, the coaches and administration are the University of Louisville AND the fans are the University of Louisville.

Firstly, I'll give a brief background of me as a UL basketball fan. I was born in Louisville in 1973. My father went to Western Kentucky and the University of Louisville for a short time. My first major experience with Louisville basketball was the Big Game in the NCAA tournament in 1983. We went to the house of some friends (and my best friend) who were die hard UK fans. My Dad was the only one cheering for UL and my loyalties flip flopped a few times depending on whether I was near my Dad or my friend. This was my first (and at the time, traumatic) experience of UL and UK basketball in the state and how it creates emotional divisions between people who are friends every other moment but sworn enemies when it comes to the rivalry.

We moved to Wisconsin when I was 10 and I had a very hard time adjusting. Louisville basketball became one of my happy places and I would cry when we lost games (especially to Memphis St. Yes, St.) The 1986 National Title was incredible because everyone in my school was pulling for Duke but we pulled for UL. From then on, I was a diehard UL fan, even in times when I've wanted a divorce from the team and the program for my sanity's sake. This is the course all die hard sports fans (millions of them) take from time to time, especially people like Red Sox fans. You love your team so much that you want to quit it sometimes. It's an emotionally imbalanced situation. You're strongly giving your emotions to something you can't control (basketball games) and feel so horrible when your team loses a big game that a short term depression can sink in. UL and UK basketball can be likened to our current president and current political climate. It's a social reality. You have friends talking civilly who suddenly become borderline enemies. That's the passion of fandom. People get emotionally involved. I will take responsibility here for often being an overly sensitive person and I can put too much on a sporting contest. I'll admit that. For the love most people have for a program, I feel that love with a greater intensity. That is a very short summary of my love for UL basketball.

Now is my time as an athlete. I grew up playing baseball religiously and basketball soon after. By HS, even though I was a better baseball player (I was all conference), basketball became my great sports love. I sought games everywhere I could, on playgrounds and open gym at school and I'd spend a lot of time shooting hoops on my basket at home. Anyone that's ever played athletics knows it quickly becomes an emotional experience. Non-athletes, some who've staggeringly become prominent sports writers but have never played sports, cannot and never will understand this emotion. If you get beat playing sports, your pride is hurt. Your manhood (in my case) is hurt. The competitiveness and desire to experience the joy and satisfaction of winning increases. You work harder and harder. All of those Nike commercials? That's emotion you see. That dedication is fueled by passion and desire and love for the game and your teammates and hate for anyone that wants to beat you. That is "The Zone." In that moment, the surreal aspect of athletic competition takes over and people do things they would never go otherwise in the name of competitiveness. Then you play a game and it gets chippy. A guy elbows then insults you. You go down the court and elbow him back and a shoving match breaks out. This is all in the moment and happens when physical games are played. The relevance for this commentary is to put a perspective on the never played sports sportswriters, some of whom have powerful voices yet have no clue about the emotion and passion people FEEL when playing sports. You get involved mentally and emotionally because that's the way it is. We care. We care about winning, we care about games, we care about the blood, sweat and tears we put into them.

The above examples of fandom, especially for athletes, illustrates why people care about sports. There have been and will be many articles written about how UL deserves what it's gotten. They'll point to Rick Pitino and the UL establishment and attack them for former players using sex as a recruiting tool. Everyone, including UL fans, know that Pitino and the UL administration are culpable. No one is quibbling over guilt. We all accept that what happened happened AND we have been 100% gracious as fans over punishments. Just don't take that banner. DO NOT TAKE THAT BANNER!

I will liken our situation to Penn St. Sissy little sportswriters will have a coronary if they read this but, hey, they're sissy sportswriters. Sissy sportswriters are nothing but politicians who play politically correct media games. They don't know anything about athletics but they can sure sanctimoniously stump for a cause and get as many people fired as they like. They're poison pen sports wannabes who sit behind their computers and write articles for big magazines and websites. No non-athlete who never got past T-ball has any business writing about sports for a major sports magazine/website like Sports Illustrated or ESPN. I'll use Dan Wetzel as an example. The Penn St. situation was his baby. He got it into his head that he was going to ride that sucker for all it was worth and get Penn St. wiped off the map. Sandusky was justly punished. Paterno died. The malefactors were punished. Was that enough for Dan and many in the media? No way. Now it was about sanctions and penalties and scholarships removed. What is now the truth? The ones being punished now were the innocents. The players who had nothing to do with the scandal and the loyal fans, many of whom grew up cheering for the Nittany Lions with nothing but love in their hearts. I don't think people like Dan Wetzel mean any harm. Like any morally outraged person that has no idea what they're talking about, his solution to the Penn St. problem was to destroy as much of it as possible, the eternally vague and whisper thin "culture of conformity" or whatever these people call it. That means nailing Penn St. long after the guilty were punished could be perpetually on the table because of the PERCEPTION of ill conduct might be PERCEIVED to still exist. This is like doing a raid on a conquered people. The victors get paranoid something bad MIGHT be going on so they keep thumping their Bibles on continued punishments.

Thankfully for Penn St. the NCAA finally sobered up and thought: "Wow. The guilty are gone and we're punishing the innocent now. Well, let's end that." That's never satisfactory for the Dan Wetzels of the world. Many of whom have far left wing values and temperaments (I'm a moderate.) Molestation happened at Penn St. and wasn't properly reported. KILL IT ALL is the immediate reaction of most of these non-athletic keyboard hotshots. They're Cato the Elder of Rome saying "Carthage Must Be Destroyed" years after Carthage was no longer a threat to Rome. They're the people that are no doubt amazed that dweebs like them are actually listened to and have big jobs associated with sporting sites. It's my opinion that most of them do because they're the most politically correct but that's my view. Who are the guilty parties in the Louisville sex scandal? Andre McGee, a former player not associated with the 2013 title and Rick Pitino, seen as being negligent in not knowing what was going on. How was Andre McGee punished? I don't know? How was Rick Pitino punished? A five game suspension? Rick is still the head coach of the University of Louisville. He's still making millions of dollars.

Outside journalists will be the ones to write the stories of our beloved UL basketball players. They will write books with titles like "Despicable Shame. Why UL Got What it Deserved." As I just wrote ad nauseum, they have no real credibility because they have no clue what it's like to be athletes. They are the "they got what they deserve" people. In light of our current experience, UL fans cannot bother with these people. Even local writer Eric Crawford took this tone, eliminating the fan base from the conversation and even insulting me on Twitter when I brought it up. Other voices, like Pat Forde, are more balanced because he played sports and can see the situation from multiple angles. He understands much more than sports writers with no credibility and people should pursue articles written by people like him if they want the whole story. We can't win with the condemners, the "they had it coming" sportswriters. In that way, they're no better than UK trolls, whose voices will also overwhelmingly be "they had it coming." More on them in a minute.

Now, the NCAA. Like all powerful organizations, the NCAA is a socio-political force with extraordinary power who can shatter programs, if not destroy them for a time (SMU football.) The NCAA has since, many times, admitted that it went too far with SMU and The Death Penalty has never been agreed on since. The NCAA is the ultimate hypocrite. They want "March Madness." They want fanaticism from fans. They want you filling out the brackets for your favorite teams. They put the cameras on crying fans when their teams lose. They ACTIVELY FOSTER and, honestly, understand fanatical love and loyalty of fans for their schools and their teams.

And now, the taking of our title. It is OUR title, too, the title of the University of Louisville and all its fans. We pay for tickets, we buy merchandise, we help make the program millions of dollars. The NCAA had no problem taking our money for when we helped pack the stadium in Atlanta, did they? I had a great family experience in 2013. I went with my Dad and my sister. Dad and I came from Florida and my sister came from Louisville. We had not been to the final game since 1986. That is forever for a top notch basketball program. Every year for decades, I wondered if this was the year. The talent is always there at UL. Would we put it together again? Was this the year? College basketball fans are no different than major league sports fans. Imagine how Cubs fans would feel if you took last year's World Series title from them. I think that makes my point.

So it's 2013. We have a powerful and experienced group back from the previous year's Final Four team. All UL fans knew we had the team to win it that year. We got through a rough patch in the middle of the season and ended up on a mission. Kevin Ware's leg was destroyed in the Elite 8 and our players and fans carried his pain all the way to glory. The wonderful players we had from Peyton Siva to Russ Smith to Gorgui Dieng and Co. we got to see grow before our eyes. We're not one and done. We have to cultivate our players and see them blossom. We rode the roller coaster with our guys for years and finally brought it home. When the game ended, I hugged my sister. I'm also a Packer fan and none of the team's World Championships meant more to me than this. I literally thought "I can die happy." It was the apex of my sports life. The championship we had worked so hard for and the fans had longed so much for had finally happened.

And now, the NCAA is telling our fans: "Gee. You shouldn't have cheered for them in 2013. Didn't you know that they were dirty organization years before it came to light? Well, shame on you for being emotionally invested. Shame on you for thinking you actually won something." Rick Pitino, who honestly loves the UL fans and hates this decision, is still coach. He's still making millions. What about us rummy fans? We had that title. That was ours forever. It's the player's and coaches and our's. We paid for tickets. We bought merchandise. We rode the wave of the NCAA's annual March Madness and came out on top in 2013. So who pays for this emotionally? The malefactors have been punished but they have their money and status. For our contributions to the championship, we have...nothing. The hypocritical NCAA and the hypocritical media are now making us a mockery. They taunt the University of Louisville and will use us as they're typically blowhard example of what not to do. Then there are Kentucky fans and the unsafe environment the NCAA has created for Louisville fans in the state of Kentucky. Kentucky fans outnumber UL fans and have always been there with jeers about "little brother." What are those Louisville fans, the innocent Louisville fans, going to experience at work? Constant abuse that the NCAA has set up. In their short sighted view in attacking a program, they have completely neglected the thousands of innocents who will suffer. Once the investigation is finished, the NCAA will move on to its next self-righteous slam dunk. Left in their wake will be the abused UL fan, emotionally devastated, left open to the abusive assaults of the fans of the less than pure program in Lexington. I used the term "emotional rape" recently. Eric Crawford seemed to think this way funny and insulted me. I have also been insulted by others for using the term. Make sure you've read all I've posted above. If you are a UL fan, do you think the term "emotional rape" IN A SPORTING CONTEXT is too extreme? Kids bullied in school are emotionally raped. Are their experiences to be minimized or forgotten? Is their pain to be minimized and forgotten?

In a perfect world, there would probably be no sports and none of the conflicting emotional states that sports creates. Other than politics, no man (and often woman) is more passionate and driven by the sports teams he/she loves. Now, for the first time in NCAA history, a fan base will have to pay because the NCAA, in its aggressive zeal to "do the right thing" in their eyes, has created thousands of sporting victims. If you're the kind of person that would say "Oh, this is just sport!" and "How dare you compare sports to rape!" (which I'm not doing), you wasted your time reading any of this because you just don't get it. You don't get the passion and emotion inherent in athletes and fans. Is sports more important than life? Of course not. Is sports more important than rape and murder victims and all those things? Of course not. My article is about the HEART of the sports fan, the one that takes the ride and suffers and lives and dies with our players. For us Cardinals fans, the NCAA, in its desire to punish the guilty, have also executed the innocent. They have executed us. Thank you for reading.

#L1C4




Saturday, May 27, 2017

Philosophy - Different Kinds of Guesses

There are my own views after studying the basics of epistemology (the study of Knowledge.)

In epistemology, guesses can be labelled and classified.

1. A Priori guesses.

It seems slightly counterintuitive that there can be A Priori guesses because the definition of A Priori is knowledge that we are certain of and don't have to add additional thought to. However, the example of picking between two cards can illustrate how guessing can also be a form of knowing. There are two cards face down. One is the Ace of Spades and the other the Ace of Diamonds. We know this because we are told this. We are then asked to pick one and guess which one we will pick. We know the cards, we know the situation. We don't need to blindly guess what we'll see and we don't need to search for further information to make an educated guess. We know it will be either the Spade or the Diamond. It's a simple matter of flipping the card. The competence factor is 100%. We know what's going on absolutely. This is the most basic criteria for a guess. It's a simple matter of either/or.

2. Limited A Posteriori guesses. We need more information to make our choices but there is a limited, small, absolute amount of data we can learn. Blackjack is an example. Two cards aren't in play for our guess; all 52 in the deck are. If we play the game, we need to know how many cards are in a standard deck, the suits and the numbers before we can play competently (and, of course, the rules of the game.) We can make our guesses even more competently if there are several different players at the table. Whatever their up cards are, we can eliminate from our betting consideration. With the two card example, we have complete knowledge. With blackjack, we need to know a little more to be successful but JUST a little bit more.

3. Broader A Posteriori guesses. These fall more into the category of what we consider a guess and stretches the boundaries of what educated guesses are. Criminal profilers are a good example. A serial killer is loose. The killer has killed ten white female prostitutes by strangulation, has posed the bodies and left them unburied in the woods. No fingerprints or other forensic evidence has been found at any of the murder scenes. Firstly, the demand to catch the killer makes educated guesswork necessary. There's a killer loose. We can't wait until the killer makes a mistake because someone else might get killed. The idea that inferences should not even be attempted without data/evidence is irrelevant in this instance. If we don't have forensic evidence to identify the killer, profilers need to go on their previous knowledge of serial killers to get a basic idea and make their best guesses on how to proceed. The investigation then moves on from those guesses. That serial killers usually kill close to home makes searching for certain criminals, notably local registered sex offenders, where police work usually begins.

4. Shot in the dark guesses. A guess made with almost no data. We're told a human being has died and we're asked to guess what they died of. We don't know the age, sex or any other data about this dead individual. We can only go on our overall knowledge of conditions that lead to death. The leading cause of death is heart disease which leads to heart attacks and strokes. This is the best guess we could make. We don't have any real data. The previous example of a serial killer holds that profilers, based on their knowledge of serial killer behavior, can make firm guesses based on the simple data that the victims are strangled white female prostitutes. As serial killers nearly always kill in their own racial grouping and strangled prostitutes are pretty much always the work of men, an educated guess can be that the killer is a white man. With our shot in the dark guess, we don't even have that much. If we're knowledgeable and sensible, our best guess is to say our dead person has died of a heart attack. Cancer also ranks high on the list of what people die of so that would also be a solid guess.

5. Pure guesses. This is the absolute form of guess. You're told someone walks into a Panera in Hopkinsville, Kentucky. You're not told whether they're male or female or given any other data. You live in Utah and have never been to Kentucky or that part of the country. You're asked what the person's name is. "Uh, Bob Smith" is as good an answer as any. This pure guess is so completely improbable to get correct that it's impossible. You've never been to Kentucky and you don't know anything about people considered Southern. Other than a human being walked into a Panera, you have no information. You literally have to make something up that has no real chance of being correct.

I may add to this list as more examples of guesswork come to mind. Thank you for reading.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

A line from my book: "Intake."

I like this line so I'm going to post it. A man and a woman are having sex in a hotel.

The hotel clock read 1:14 PM as the man and woman on the bed had sex. The man, 30 years old, large, lean, muscular and shaved bald, gritted his teeth hard as the naked young woman on top of him, thin to almost bony, long, dark brown hair riddled with sweat, buried her fingers, fronted by her long, carefully filed red coated fingernails, into his chest, the red paint mixing with the man’s blood and seeming to crawl up her left hand and arm sheathed in a sleeve tattoo of twisted, thorny green vines, bits of tattooed blood oozing from thorn tips like artistic violence.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Batman: A Dark Knight in the Life - A short story.





(I obviously lay no claim to Batman or the characters in his world and I do not own their rights in any way. I also lay no claim to any other DC characters I mention in the story and have no intention whatsoever of profiting in any way from what I've written. I'm just a dumb cluck that loves superhero stuff and wanted to write a Batman short story.)


Batman: A Dark Knight in the Life


Just past midnight, three stories up, nestled in a recess near a shattered window of the former Gotham City East End Lumber and Steel Co., the bat roosted, rabid, not by condition but by ferociously disciplined choice; rabid for blood, the blood of criminals, the diseased blood that perpetually infested the city, his city, the diseased blood of Gotham only he and a small few others could consume without shriveling into nothingness. He roosted in the abandoned warehouse he knew well in Gotham's filthy, crime infested East End, invisible in the pitch black building in the near pitch black area he had, in the recent past, tried to save, not as Batman, but as Bruce Wayne. He stayed alert, repeatedly scanning the area with his night vision tech and waited. Three years earlier, he had, as Bruce Wayne, founded the business he greatly hoped would help end poverty in the East End, a business that began with such promise, attracting new workers and their families to the area and providing an instant boost to Gotham's economy in that sector. But crime had won out, despite Bruce Wayne's best efforts. The local street gangs grew instead of faltered, the violence increased instead of abated, and the recently arrived families left the area in droves. All that remained were a lot of young, single, predominately male workers who were easily eaten up by the gangs, joining in bunches, swelling their ranks to new levels and driving away all of Bruce Wayne’s partners until he remained, alone, forced to scrap the idea he had so greatly hoped would succeed, the idea he hoped would make Batman less necessary.

He had been too ambitious; too much too soon. That was his positive view of the situation, even though, in truth, it had come way too late. That was Bruce Wayne's view. But Bruce Wayne had failed and now it was Batman's responsibility to pick up the pieces. Not only had he inadvertently swelled the ranks of the local gangs, he had provided them with a meeting place, this cleared out, partially demolished warehouse complex. Most street lamps busted and lightless, the poorly lit area had seen covert business transactions from local gangs rise dramatically in the last few months. Busy with the Justice League, Batman had left the matter largely to Gordon but was recently informed by the Commissioner that a new gang element, a group boldly calling themselves the Young Dictators, had arrived in Gotham and were looking to make a big mark, a big bang, in their new environment. Through Gotham PD infiltration, they had learned that the newcomers were being recruited by Roman Sionis's False Face Society and that an arms deal with some of the strongest muscle not associated with Black Mask or the Falcone Crime Family, the Gotham City Killers, was in the works. Expecting fireworks beyond the average meetup, Gordon and the Dark Knight agreed it was time for the Batman to get involved and that's why we was there, just past midnight, roosted three stories up in one of the old warehouses, warehouses he had built with such hope, waiting, the predator of predators, the dictator of dictators, the killer of killers, for his quarry to arrive.

Twenty minutes later, pulling up in a large, no doubt bullet proof black Hummer, the Gotham City Killer's contingent arrived, regurgitating five men, three conspicuously armed with AK-47 assault rifles, two with no visible weapons but with a few certainly tucked away. The Killers had been around for a few years and Batman, knowing them well, recognized their leader, a man named Joe Argento, a tough Italian-American not above getting into fistfights or even the occasional gunfight. He had been arrested several times but no major charges had stuck. The Killers also knew the Batman well, well enough that it was odd they would meet in Gotham at night, anywhere in Gotham at night. Some of the gangs were so punchy about Batman they planned and carried out business in the daytime, much preferring to face Gordon and an army of cops rather face even the possibility of coming up against the Dark Knight. Batman loved that, loved the fear he instilled in the gangs. It was better for Gotham PD that any gang hits, drug or weapons transactions, or any other organized crime business was carried out in the daytime because Gordon and his men were more than up to the challenge and most of the gangs with less influence and power had taken major hits with high arrest rates, mostly foot soldiers but some in higher ranking positions, as well. That left Batman to his JLA duties in matters of national and worldwide importance. These lower level gangs didn't have the umbrella of protection of Falcone or Sionis and it showed. However, they weren't groups without that strange code of honor certain gangs, seemingly as a matter of pride, preferred to operate under. It had become so cliché that the local gangs had mindlessly taken it on as a duty, like something they’d seen on TV. It’s what gangs did so they did it, too. At various times, Batman had stepped in to collect information from the Killers as only he could, information that Gordon and the cops couldn’t get. They gave Batman information; he didn't crush them into the pavement. That the only deal the Dark Knight had ever agreed to.

Joe Argento was the Killer’s go to man when it came to weapons transactions and Batman was sure that was the business, at least the agreed upon business, that he was to see that night. Joe was an asset to the Killers but also somewhat expendable because he was mostly a foot solider uninvolved in the gang’s decision making circle. A night deal…this was no doubt insisted upon by the Young Dictators, the fresh blood he longed to taste, to sink his sharp teeth into. That told him they were an arrogant bunch; no other gang would risk a major arms deal at night unless absolutely necessary or only agreed upon because one side demanded it. No, the Dictators pushed it and the Killers, probably selling to the newcomers, in all likelihood needed the money.

Two of the three men armed with the AK-47s took up positions on either side of the Hummer with the third gunman in front. Joe Argento and the fifth man, a probable foot soldier Batman didn’t recognize, stood about ten steps ahead of the third gunman and waited. Ten minutes later, a beat up Mustang entered the compound from the opposite side; five men, two with ancient looking assault rifles that resembled old WWII, obsolete, German produced StG 45s, and two with less than trustworthy AMT AutoMag handguns climbed out. No wonder they wanted to buy weapons. The two men with the 45s took up positions on either side of the Mustang while the two men with the handguns gravitated to the back near the trunk. Five to a side was no doubt agreed upon by the two gangs. Obviously, the Killers, no doubt with some intel on the Dictators, had no problems with the arrangement. If a gunfight ensued, the Dictators would be routed. Batman also deduced that the warehouse was partially agreed upon because of the space and opposite entrances. It was an excellent place to make a deal and get out. He could have punched himself in the face. The whole meeting place was his fault. All of it.

The fifth Dictator was an unkempt punk oozing arrogance and, probably, a major stench, wearing a wide, toothy grin and with both hands in the pockets of a worn leather jacket. It was the kind of smile Batman had seen hundreds of times. It revolted him the first time he'd seen it and every time since. The Joker had that look right before Joker venom or some other death dealing threat came his way. Barbara Gordon and Jason Todd had no doubt seen that look, too…

The Young Dictators were, literally, young, none of the five looking older than 25 years old; each of the Killers each had at least a decade on them. Batman used the ear microphone in his cowl to listen in as Joe Argento and the unkempt leader of the Dictators, a man Batman would come to know as Brian Brannon, joined each other almost exactly in the middle between the two cars, the gun men on both sides confidently eyeing each other. Joe Argento spoke first. It made sense that the more experienced gang in town would speak first.

"Okay, this is how it's going down," he said. Brian Brannon had closed his mouth, though it still wore the kind of grin you'd love to smack off someone's face. He had bent slightly forward with his head a few inches lower than Argento's, implying he was receptive to the commentary.

"Two of your boys are going to come take the weapons out of our car," he said, “in multiple trips if necessary, and move them to yours. Your other boys can keep their guns ready if they choose. My four men will be ready to use their guns at a moment's notice without command. You’re outgunned if you start anything. Now let’s see the money.”

The details made perfect sense. The Killers, the more experienced group, were the prime moves and had the advantages. The leader of the Dictators whistled to one of his men, who produced a large envelope which he tossed to the unkempt thug. Joe Argento recoiled at the lack of professionalism.

"You know, it can go much quicker if you let me use all four of my guys,” Brian Brannon said as he handed Joe Argento the envelope. Argento handed it to the soldier Batman hadn’t seen before and told him to count it. After doing so and informing Joe Argento it was all there, he took it casually back to the Hummer and put it in the front seat. He pulled out a Walther P99 semi-automatic handgun, held it against his chest and took up a position in front of the car next to the third gunman.

"Two of your men. That was the deal. We have tenure here and we’re pulling rank. Now hurry up. We do these deals as fast as possible, doubly so at night.”

Brian Brannon smiled his toothiest smile yet. "You mean 'him'?" the Young Dictator asked with a laugh. "Yeah, we've heard plenty. We ain't afraid of him or no one else. Even if he's as tough as they say, what are the odds he'd catch onto this deal? It's a big city. Besides, we hear he’s out of town. We have feelers, too.”

Joe Argento flinched like remembering a hard shot to his jaw, one that Batman had indeed delivered a few years ago when Argento had gotten overly comfortable during an impromptu questioning from the Dark Knight.

“He’s never out of town,” Joe Argento said hauntingly. That was what Batman had done to the established criminal element. Creeping movements, even occasional business paralysis. Argento started looking left and right at the empty warehouses. "He may be here right now, waiting to pounce on us. He comes out of nowhere, no matter where you are. He's like poisoned wind. Blows in and makes you regret you're breathing." Joe Argento kept looking around, not like he saw a ghost but like he knew one, a living wraith, a solid specter over his shoulder.

"You're fucking punchy," the Young Dictator said with a laugh. "We got ten guys here and all armed. He shoots down two or three of us and the rest take him out."

"He doesn't use guns," Joe Argento said.

he Young Dictator laughed. "And you're afraid of this guy?! A guy with no gun? It’s lucky we’re here. Gotham needs some new blood." Joe Argento looked at the man with a look of sympathy. If they lasted in Gotham, they'd learn. They all learned, even Falcone and Sionis. He'd learn, too.

Brian Brannon turned and waved his right hand towards the men by the trunk, who nodded, opened the trunk up and began to walk towards the Hummer, their AutoMag handguns visible in their hands.

“Guns away,” Joe Argento told Brian Brannon sternly. “Even if they’re crap.”

The leader of the Dictators seemed to be playing Joe Argento for all he could get, a little game of push/pull between newly meeting gang representatives. Nodding pleasantly, he motioned again to the two men who put their guns in their weather beaten jacket pockets. The Dictators seemed like homeless men at a shelter in desperate need of everything. It took the two men several trips, gingerly carrying two guns at a time. It was an impressive array of rifles and handguns, not as up to date as the Killers’ weapons but a drastic upgrade from the Dictator’s own mess. No machine guns were included.

Upon the first passing, the Dictator’s leader asked, “Can I inspect them?”

“No,” Joe Argento said dourly.

Yes, he was in a big hurry. Batman watched and listened to all this with a mixture of pride and disinterest. Perhaps the recent JLA business had spoiled him to the kind of low level thuggery he was witnessing. No. He was as hungry as ever. Even when physically burned out, his mission burned deeper, that burning in his gut that would never die, that had him out every night, even if not in Gotham. He’d forgotten about what a bed was at night, what a sleep cycle was. In the end, national problems, worldwide problems, universal problems…none compared to his city, none were as important as his city. No, his disinterest came from the routine flavor of the deal. No fireworks, possibly none coming, either. He was going to wait for the guns to be loaded, for the deal to be completely transacted, before striking. He was armed with his usual array of weaponry for situations like this: Multiple batarangs, two loaded with tear gas, one resonating an ear shattering sonic pulse when activated, two programmable batarangs capable of locking onto whatever heat signatures Batman chose, two ninja throwing star batarangs and two hard plastic ones for concussive actions. At the Hall of Justice, he had recently been working on a revolutionary cutting fluid and electrical delivery system that could shrink and expand metal instantly. Among other uses, such technology would greatly affect his weaponry, making it possible to store more material on his utility belt. That was for the near future, though. Tonight, he had his usual array including his grappling gun and Batline. He did opt for one deviance from the usual: Due to the decent sized distance between warehouses, he opted to use a heavy weighted drone he had stored in the nearby Batmobile. The programmable drone could link up with the Bathook from his grappling gun, allowing him to use the Batline to swing down in areas where nothing to connect the Bathook to like a rooftop or fire escape was available. The drone also allowed for much greater freedom of movement with his aerial attacks and, utilizing 3-D visual technology, could instantly adapt and camouflage itself in any environment. Using the coordinating touchpad on his left gauntlet, he activated and steered the black drone, perfectly camouflaged in the night, over the area, close enough for his own use but out of sight of the two gang contingents.

As he readied himself, one of the Dictators loading the weapons dropped a handgun on his last trip. Though no damage was done, it got under the skin of Joe Argento.

"Hurry it up!" the leader of the Killers shouted at him. Irritated, the leader of the Young Dictators moved within a foot of Argento's face.

"You don't say shit to my men,” Brian Brannon snarled. “I talk to my men. Understand?"

Unwilling to get into it with this young punk and still edgy and nervous about unseen potentialities, Joe Argento smirked impatiently. However, his comment had had its desired result and the two men with the last load of weapons shuffled towards their Mustang with more alacrity than before. Soon, they were finished and both groups stood at strength again by their respective vehicles.

"We'll be paying attention to you," Joe Argento firmly told Brian Brannon. We're always open to deal if it fits our purpose. If you fuck with us, you’ll wish you never left Central City and you don’t have the muscle to stop us. Understand?”

Brian Brannon smiled, shrugged his shoulders and walked back towards the Dictator’s car, sitting calmly on the edge of the hood, hands in his pockets. Taking that as a ‘yes,’ Joe Argento turned and walked back towards the Killer’s Hummer. His men made motions that they were ready to get in the car and leave.

"One more thing, Joe!” Brian Brannon shouted at Joe Argento, who turned towards him with irritation. more. "I forgot to tell you something!”

The instant his last word was uttered, machine gunfire from the first floors of both warehouses sprayed like horizontal rain in the direction of Joe Argento and his men, joined immediately by gunfire from all four armed members by the Dictator's car. Caught unaware, Joe and his men were finished in seconds. Batman tensed, right hand on a tear gas batarang, but it was over before he could intervene. Once it was clear all the Killers were dead, two men, members of the Young Dictators, came out from each warehouse's first floor on either side. Batman had been there for two hours. The Dictators had planned this well, both ambushers planted silently, undetectably, before he got there. He felt a little sorry for Joe Argento. Though part of the trash polluting his city, Joe had been one of the easier thugs to work with and was nearly always forthcoming with any information he needed, though once a right hand had been needed to set him straight.

Brian Brannon had watched it all smiling, his rear end never leaving the hood of the car, his hands never leaving his jacket pockets. That look of joy at men being killed in bunches…Batman had seen that look so many times. Brian Brannon wore it, not with pride, but with excitement. Batman now believed the rumors of the False Face Society’s recruitment of the Dictators. Brian Brannon’s face told the story. These guys weren’t interested in business. They were interested in killing. That attitude paid big dividends for Roman Sionis. He ruled by terror and here, clearly, were more monsters for his flock.

Brian Brannon coolly detached from the Mustang and walked casually towards the dead men. One of the thugs by the trunk, his just fired AutoMag in his right hand, pulled a large burlap sack from the back seat with his left hand and joined Brian Brannon by the bullet riddled corpse of Joe Argento while one of the warehouse gunmen relieved the Hummer of the envelope stuffed with cash and took it back to the Mustang where he put it in the passenger seat. He then joined the other warehouse gunman in between both vehicles. The mood was light now, the two gunmen joking and congratulating each other on how easy and efficient the attack had been. Batman sat tight, waiting for what Brian Brannon would do next, a final drama to play out. Squatting down next to Joe Argento’s body, Brian Brannon reached out his hand. Receiving a large butcher knife from his lackey, he stared into Joe Argento’s dead eyes, eerily chatting with him like he was still alive.

"What I forgot to tell you, Joe, was we don't bend over for nobody. Yeah, we're new in town but we got connections. Unlike you, we're hungry. We're out to make a name. Ain’t nobody going to get in our way. Nobody. See, we got a special request from a special person to fuck you up and bring back proof, Joe, so that's what we're going to do. Our special person is going to be one happy mother fucker when I show him what he wants."

With that, using the butcher knife, Brian Brannon quickly and savagely sawed off the right hand of Joe Argento, easily identifiable by a large, crooked scar on the palm, and put it casually in the bag. That was all the Dark Knight needed to see. Quickly readying the two programmable batarangs, he attached both on either side of his utility belt then moved the drone silently to the position he wanted it, high up almost exactly between the two vehicles, the drone partly shading black for the night and soft yellow from where the few street lamps hit it. Ready for his assault, he withdrew his sonic batarang and hurled it at Brian Brannon and his man holding the burlap sack, a sharp corner sticking firm in the impacted dirt. Upon contact, an earsplitting audio wave sounded that froze both men as well as the two warehouse gunmen, holding their ears in agonized paralysis. A thrown tear gas batarang slammed into the hood of the Mustang and exploded, spraying the vehicle and the three gunmen surrounding it with the noxious powder, sending them to their knees in coughing fits. Shooting his grappling gun, the Bathook connected with the drone. Batman then connected the grappling gun to the front of his utility belt, leaving both arms free and, with one massive movement, swooped down onto the two warehouse gunmen, felling the first with a left boot to the face and the second with a right boot to the face. Working the touchpad while in midair with his free hands, Batman maneuvered it sharply over the Dictator’s car, creating a whiplash effect that propelled him in that direction. Swinging towards the Mustang, he disconnected himself from the grappling gun and Batline while lifting his legs, landing back first on the car’s top and sliding smoothly, feet first, from the top to the back while ejecting the programmable batarangs from his utility belt, sending them hurtling into the foreheads of the two side gunmen still staggered by the tear gas, knocking both men down and out. Sliding down the trunk, he planted his feet on the end of the car and snapped his body forward head over heels into a perfect somersault, the weighted bottom of his cape slamming into the face of the final gunman, also knocking him out flat. The Dark Knight completed the somersault perfectly and landed on his feet. The whole thing had taken less than 30 seconds. Brian Brannon, still shocked by the pain of the sonic batarang and holding his ears, managed to rise and look towards the action, greeted by the awesome sight of Batman stomping over the top and hood of the Mustang towards him in small plumes of tear gas, his cape spread and flowing like a nightmarish vampire. The two warehouse gunmen Batman had kicked had risen shakily, still influenced by the sonic batarang. Batman, impervious to the pulse because of his cowl’s ability to mute sound, knocked one silly with an uppercut then hurled him into the second gunman, putting them both down. Batman then put the lackey that had held the burlap sack down with a hard batarang to the forehead, a strong metal base in the batarang instantly recoiling it back into the magnetized hand of the Dark Knight, who reattached it to his utility belt. Six down and only Brian Brannon tenuously on his feet. Batman picked up the sonic batarang and disarmed it, putting it also back onto his utility belt. Free of the paralyzing sound, Brian Brannon immediately went for and grabbed his unconscious lackey’s fallen AutoMag from where the man had dropped it and tried aiming it at his adversary, who smacked it out of the gang leader’s hands with ease. Grabbing him by the jacket collar, Batman yanked him into the air and carried him to the Gotham City Killer’s Hummer, Brian Brannon’s feet never touching the ground the whole way. Slamming the now freshly educated gang leader’s back into the car’s grill sent him to the ground on his ass. Batman, towering over him, spoke, his voice a little more threatening and aggressive than usual as this was the first time he’d had the displeasure of meeting the man.

“I want all information you know about your gang; who’s in charge, how many men you have, and why you’ve come to Gotham. Then I want all information and contacts you’ve had with Black Mask and his False Face Society.”

“What the fuck is a Black Mask?” Brian Brannon said with defiance, a broad smile on his face.

“How about the False Face Society?” Batman asked.

“Man, you’re fucked in the head!” Brian Brannon cracked with that smile, that smile was now finished. Batman slowly positioned his right index finger level with the man’s mouth and pointed it at that intolerable smile. Brian Brannon seemed to hypnotically enjoy the motion, like Batman was some weirdo who liked pointless hand gestures. That was his last enjoyment. Suddenly, the Dark Knight’s finger jabbed into Brian Brannon’s front teeth like a lightning bolt, knocking one of them out and into his throat, sending the man into a coughing fit that eventually regurgitated the tooth in a spew of blood, easily swatted out of the way by the Dark Knight. Rabid for blood, he had drawn it, the diseased blood of Gotham’s freshest disease, the Young Dictators. Blood began to spurt from the wound onto Brian Brannon’s lips and chin. Shocked into insensibility, he had a look of stunned disbelief. Batman cocked his index finger again like he was aiming a missile.

“Care for an eyeball?” he asked casually. Brian Brannon broke like a cardboard dam and babbled like a terrified child.

“We’re new, man! We’ve only got 12 guys right now, man! We’re just doing what we need to do, you know?! We’re from Central City. We started in Central City. We just…we did some shit, you know, then we came here. We’re just here for some business, man!”

“You ‘came’ from Central City? You mean the Flash ran you out of town,” Batman said coolly. “He’s a good friend of mine. Nice guy. Has compassion.” Batman gripped Brian Brannon’s collar hard at the neck, almost cutting off his breathing. “I’m not a nice guy.”

“Yeah, whatever the fuck!” the thug sputtered. “Whatever! Yeah, we had a run in with the guy. We got a few guys in jail there but who gives a shit?! We were approached by this guy saying he was a member of a False Face gang or whatever the fuck. Said they’d been watching us and we had potential and his boss liked our style and would we want to come to Gotham. Anything was better than having that Flash guy around so we took him up on it. Hey, it’s a fucking job, right? You’d do it if you were in our place.”

Batman ignored the man’s attempt to gain his empathy or sympathy.

“So Black Mask wants a bloodbath and you bring him back Joe Argento’s hand as proof,” Batman said. Not being able to fit seven guys in the Mustang, Batman also concluded they planned on stealing the Killer’s Hummer, too.

“They wanted proof that we rolled these fuckers, yeah. They wanted us to show we could be vicious. Fuckers are dead, right?! Who cares if we take trophies?! It’s what Black Mask wanted. We arrange a deal and jack the guys and roll them. Bring back trophies and work your way into a better gang. That’s business.”

Brian Brannon was whimpering now, the pain of his dislodged tooth clearly agonizing. Batman let that pain sink in more and more as the conversation continued. More pain meant more revelation.

“Now who runs the show?” Batman asked.

Words choked in Brian Brannon’s throat, though not for physical reasons, as if saying the bosses’ name meant an automatic death sentence. Batman raised his index finger again.

“His name is Slobodon Jovick, alright?!” Brian Brannon spit out, his mind already seeming to leave town like his feet needed to. Batman knew the name. It was from a relatively respected, though smaller time, crime family from Eastern Europe. Slobodon was the family scion. He’d cast off his family ties to go on his own, earning his infamous family’s enmity. So this was where he’d ended up. This was a greater haul than expected. Information about a new gang, their connections to the False Face Society, the arrest of at least one that knew the gang’s activities AND finding the whereabouts of Slobodon Jovick.

“Where and when were you supposed to meet the representative of the False Face Society?”

“Tomorrow at 1 PM in the Brookville building. We’re supposed to meet the guy in a back entrance and into some kind of board room.”

So Sionis and his slime had infiltrated the prestigious Gotham Brookville building. The contact much be someone in a high place because everyone in the Brookville building was a high roller. More high end corruption in his city. Bold, too, considering this punk was going to show up in broad daylight with someone’s severed hand. Now he knew and Gordon would soon know, too.

“Is that all you have to offer?” Batman sneered. “You better tell me everything or I’ll visit you in your soon to be jail cell and leave your mouth to where you’ll have to gum everything you eat for the rest of your life.”

“That’s it man, I swear!” Bob Smith didn’t fear anything in Gotham a half hour before. Now he would be cowed everywhere he went from then on. “I just know a few things but that’s it! I’m just a soldier, man. I ain’t the boss.”

Satisfied the man had sung the whole song, Batman cuffed Brian Brannon to the grill of the Killer’s car and cuffed the other unconscious gang members to the nearest vehicle. They weren’t going anywhere under their own power. He activated the two way radio in his cowl and connected with Gotham PD. The contact was private between he and James Gordon.

“What have you got?” Gordon asked.

“Arms deal gone bad. Five men killed. Seven gang members ages 20 to 30 apprehended and secured. Location is between the two largest warehouses of the old Gotham East End Lumber and Steel Co.” Saying the name of one of Bruce Wayne’s biggest failures again tugged at his heart.

“What’s their condition?” Gordon asked.

“Poor,” was the reply. A slight chuckle from Gordon was audible through the connection.

“I’ll have some men over shortly with the appropriate measures. About ten minutes,” Gordon said. “Are you going to stay out longer?”

Batman looked at all the dead and apprehended bodies. He wasn’t satisfied. He was never satisfied.

“Yeah. Think I’ll be out all night tonight. Do you have anything interesting?”

“Possible drug deal going down in an hour between the All-Americans and the Free Men in the Bowery near the old football stadium in Crown Point. Doesn’t sound suspicious like you’ve had. We were going to send a team down there but we’ll pull out if you want to take care of it. There are two missing persons reports and a sighting of John Lennon down by the Riverfront Center so that may mean Cornelius Stirk is back. Ask around and I’m sure you’ll get plenty of information. We’ve also found a greenhouse on the West Side of Robinson Park with some wild plant experiments that reek of Poison Ivy. We’ve done the usual work but I’m sure you’d like a look at it. It’s near the intersection of 5th and Mason. We have it blocked off so it’s contained. That’s all we have right now.”

“I’ll handle the drug deal and the missing persons reports,” Batman replied. “I may not make it to the greenhouse until tomorrow night.”

Gordon responded affirmatively. “No problem. It seems clear that Ivy hasn’t been to that greenhouse in at least a month so I doubt it’s pressing. Drop a line if you need us. Good hunting.”

The Dark Knight turned off his radio and headed for the handcuffed Brian Brannon. The separation from Batman as he contacted Gordon had provided the Dictator with a heavenly respite. His young bravado having returned somewhat in the moment, even one tooth less and blood on his face, he decided to talk tough again, the intention of overcoming his freshly created fear being the reason.

“You can’t be everywhere at once,” Brannon said, using the obvious common sense that had no relevance in Gotham City. Yes, Batman was everywhere at once. He filled every atom of the night and every crevice of every building, street and alleyway. The Dictators would soon learn all about that. Right now, he had a final message to send.

“What you going to do now?” Brannon asked defiantly. The Dark Knight leaned down to within two inches of the thug’s face.

“I forgot to tell you something,” Batman whispered. “I’m in your way.” With that, a right cross smashed hard into Brian Brannon’s jaw, knocking him out upon impact, putting all seven members of the Dictators in dreamland. Once he’d detached from it, the grappling gun and Batline had recoiled up and attached to the drone. Now, utilizing the touch pad on his left gauntlet, Batman maneuvered the hovering drone down to his level and detached the grappling gun into his right hand. Maneuvering the drone back overhead, Batman shot the grappling gun’s Bathook into it, secured the gun to his utility belt as before and, steering with the touch pad, shot into the air and flew towards where he had left the Batmobile. Landing safely, the drone once more stored away, the Batmobile and the Dark Knight sped towards the Bowery and the soon to be drug deal. A very productive evening so far but always more on the plate. More hunting to be done, always more hunting in the big city. His city. His time. His life.