An issue very dear to me and what I consider important for the mentally ill

This is a painful time in my life but I feel it's also couched in an issue I feel is important.

I had a domestic dispute with my father in 1998. I was not functioning well at the time. I tried a job and was insulted by my recruiter so I quit. I was staying with my father and he decided to throw me out of his apartment (I was a fool for trusting him when he said I could stay there until I was on my feet.) It was in Wisconsin in March and, for anyone that's ever lived in Wisconsin, that means weather that at times borders on wintry (It has snowed several times over the years when the Brewers have opening day in April.) And that's how it was on that day. The temperature was in the 30s. I had no friends there that would take me in. I was going to die. I tried Salvation Army and they said they had a 30+ bed waiting line. I was literally going to freeze so I defended my life. I got my father's gun (I had never fired a gun except a BB one) and called him up at work. I didn't want to kill him or anything else. That's why I called him. I warned him I was going to defend my life. He called a SWAT team and I was arrested. My Dad is a Trump style Republican and always has been. Of course, that meant I was looked at as a criminal. I was taken to a psyche clinic, given a trial and sentenced to 6 months. I was not called to the witness stand. My Dad was and lied about our conflict. He said there was no reason for me to have acted like I did. I was 25 and had also had issues with my alcoholic mother who had fled our home and state when she separated from my alcoholic father six years earlier.

That's the backstory. Now the issue. I was not informed of SSI disability. I had no idea that was even available. To lock me up, they charged me $500 a day. Before my stay was over, I was saddled with a debt of over $50,000, which I have to this day. I was told about disability insurance the DAY BEFORE I was let out of the clinic. That insurance would have covered my stay. There were other abuses done to me after I left the clinic. The lesson I learned is that even family can toss you out and spit on you if they don't feel like you're meeting their standards. For my family, that meant a job. As I was deep in the throes of a bipolar disorder I had been diagnosed with less than 2 years before and an illness I had not even begun to contemplate, I was, even on an array of medications I also didn't understand, powerless against it. I've learned growing up as a Republican that the job was the most important thing. If you had one, you could do whatever you want. If not, you were rejected and tossed out. I used to think Republicans were the just truth tellers. From my experience, I have learned to be a sworn enemy to their ignorance and hateful evil towards the less fortunate. I have walked that mile (many) and the truth is that Republicans will sell you down the river at the first sign of trouble. They're evil people.

I think about my debt everyday. Sadly, on my last move, I forgot to inform the clinic up north (I live in Florida now) that I had moved again. They sent me a letter all but condemning me as a criminal trying to dodge what they consider to be my "responsibility." I've never had such an aggressive, hateful letter in my life. Sadly, there is no proof as I threw the letter away.

My heart and my soul, my very being, cries out for personal justice but also justice for the mentally ill people abused in the criminal justice system and laden with the burdens of massive debt. I did nothing to incur this debt. All I did was fight for my life against my father. I will fight this clinic of borderline scam artists with a lawyer when I can afford one. I know that the general public doesn't give a rat's ass and only assumes that the system is 100% just and that we deserve what we get. After all, I'm a criminal, right? I want to carry the mantle of crusader against the abuses of the system as I know people of my kind are currently being abused in forced clinic stays, treated like criminals and forced into massive debt. I vacillate in my belief in God but I ask for God's help and guidance in helping me attain justice for myself and other mentally ill people that feel the sting of system abuse. I want to carry them on my shoulders and fight for what I feel is right.

Thank you for reading.

This Is What's It's Like When YOU Are Bipolar

As a bipolar person, I'm now going to try to make you understand bipolar disorder by making you feel bipolar. I thank all who read and want to learn.

Imagine being the saddest you've EVER BEEN in your life. Maybe it's the time when a cherished loved one died. Maybe it was when your mother or father died. Maybe it was a treasured grandparent. Remember how you felt when you first heard. Remember how you felt at the funeral. Remember the sense of loss knowing that you would never see them again, would never hear them again, would never laugh with them again. You think back on the all the times they played ball with you or helped you with your makeup and were there when you suffered defeat or needed wounds treated or just to have a hug or a pat on the back that everything was okay and you'd get them next time and would you like to go see a movie or did you need help with your homework and Christmas would be really fun that year. Think on the sadness of the memories knowing there could never be anymore. Or possibly your saddest moment is when you lost a beloved pet. Your family dog or cat. Remember the times when you loved on him or her and they loved you back unconditionally. Remember the times you were feeling down and you felt the pressure on your leg and it was your friend, who knew your pain like no one else, offering their affection with uplifted eyes, tail wagging, possibly with tongue out. They're the only one that really loves you, the only one that really cares. And now your pet is gone, possibly hit by a car or killed by another animal. You'll never see them again, never pet them, never feel the happiness when you know how happy they are to see you, never feel that pressure on your leg again. Never again. Remember how sad you were when you took them to the vet for the last time, when the vet took them from your arms, the last time you'd ever hold them. Remember and FEEL that sadness.

Now, imagine the MADDEST you've ever been. When someone has insulted you for how you look or what you think or what you believe or your weight or awkwardness or physical attractiveness. When someone called you stupid when you weren't, when they bullied you in the hall, when they mocked and humiliated you in front of your classmates, when they insulted your family members. Imagine your loved one has died and someone comes up and spits in their dead face or runs your cherished pet over on purpose then picks up the corpse and throws it to the side of the road laughing. Think about the time you were fired from a job because a coworker you hated makes things up about you to your boss and you're not given a chance to defend yourself. Think of the time you failed at something and an enemy rubbed it in. Think of the worst loss at anything you've ever had. Think of that time you could have seriously picked up a baseball bat and parted someone's skull with it.

Now FEEL THE SADNESS AND ANGER AT THE SAME TIME. Not sadness transformed into anger or anger transformed into sadness. Both simultaneously. A bit lump of depressed deadness and enraged agitation like two different people in completely different moods are in your body. Your beloved pet has just died AND you're being taunted by a person you hate. Your cherished family member has died and someone tells you they deserved it. You're devastated and enraged at the same time. The worst sadness you've ever felt and the worst rage you've ever felt coexist, both in the same place. This is the brain of a bipolar person. Bipolar people feel that push/pull EVERYDAY. That is the tragedy of bipolar disorder. Would you function properly? Would you feel happy? Would you be able to live life to its fullest and progress into steady success in the world? Would you feel peace and contentment? Remember. It's EVERYDAY.