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Sunday, March 11, 2018

Old Friends in Wisconsin: Craziness and Cutting Ties - Eric

There's a lot I could type here.  I'll just start by repeating (for the umpteenth time) that I moved to Wisconsin when I was 10 and lived there, essentially, until 2001, save for two years in 1995 and 1997.  I become very bipolar from 1992-1996 but I've written about that.  Now I want to focus on a few of my closest relationships and acquaintances.  I'm going to take them a post as a time.  Here's the first one on my best friend (for awhile.)

I met my future best friend my first year in school.  He lived in the dorm room across from me.  His name is Eric.  He had an older Southeast Asian roommate and I had an older Hispanic roommate.  He has red hair and I have/had red hair.  He's a Republican and I was a Republican.  He's a sober, stable wise ass.  I was an arrogant, hard drinking peacock.  We eventually became close and I hung out in his dorm room.  It's funny how much of a recluse I've become because I hung out in a ton of dorm rooms my freshman year in 1991 when I wasn't in class.  "Old," pre-bipolar breakdown Jeff existed then.  I loved high functioning and always wanted to be active, to live every day to its fullest.  That meant always doing something, though I had taken to taking naps increasingly in these years.  Eric and I played basketball together in an intramural league.  We drove to nearby Janesville, sometimes with other friends, occasionally visit his place in Beloit and party on Thursday nights.  I got stupid drunk while he didn't drink and pretty much laughed at me the whole time.  We'd watch movies before we partied and sometimes afterwards after I gorged myself on fast food, pizza and booze.  We had a blast.  Drinking may have accelerated my depression.  I remember one Thursday night I had been partying with Eric and an on again, off again girlfriend.  She and I hung out in our dorm's rec room after partying.  I was so exhausted she had to help me back to my dorm room.  That was the first time in my life I'd ever been that tired and it scared the hell out of me.  Her name is Debbie and I'll get to her in another post.

My depression had gotten bad the second semester of my freshman year.  My Mom had been taking meds for depression so I got on Prozac.  Little did I know it was triggering a mania I didn't know I had.  So Eric and I were best buds and did a ton of things together.  I had gotten so manic, depressed and otherwise crazy during those years that I became entertaining to those around me.  Not surprisingly, they worried about me.  I had more fun then I'd ever had and my academics NOSEDIVED.  Eric left school and I was eventually going to be expelled at the rate I was going.  He'd come back while I was still there and we'd hang out on Thursdays as usual.  Then he'd go home.  I moved away from Wisconsin in 1995 but came back in 1996 to all but bomb out of school.  I was very sick in 1996.  I went back to school to try to finish but that was out.  My best buddy, the stable rock I'd trusted for years now was often there for me when I needed him.  I'd call him when I left town and arrived at places to tell him I'd made it okay.  My Mom was an emotional basket case, herself, during these years.  She leaned on me and I leaned on Eric.  He eventually moved to Florida and I moved down later on, though the two were unconnected.  I'd call him from time to time and we hung out a few times as we lived close enough to do that.  I got smashed drunk a few times only it had gotten really, really old.  I was 27 the last time I got smashed with him.  What was funny when I was 18-21 was sad and pathetic now.  I've only had enough to drink to get a hard buzz on a few times since.  I outgrew partying in 2000.

I'd call him from time to time.  As I learned about my mental illness over the years, I'd come to reject the "There are no mental illnesses you're just a deadbeat" Republican Party. I learned the hard lessons of an ill life and its deteriorations.  Failure came no matter how hard I tried.  Republican ex-friends didn't want anything to do with me anymore.  Fuck them.  Fair weather friends.  Anyway, Eric didn't like I'd suddenly become more left wing.  "What, you're a Democrat now?" he'd say incredulously.  Yeah, I'd learned about and become one of the downtrodden.  I wasn't an ass hole peacock anymore.  My hair started coming out in clumps in 1997.  A lot of things changed.

I talked to Eric several times in between 2000-2008 when we were both in Florida.  I needed someone to talk to as my life still wasn't in a good place.  It had become very clear that he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.  When there breaks in between communications, I'd call to chew the fat.  He'd say:  "It's been so long since you called."  This wasn't a welcome response.  It was a "You've been out of my life for so long.  I don't want you back in it."  I'd just say:  "You know you can call me from time to time."  The last time we hung out was to see The Dark Knight in 2008.  I knew our friendship was over afterwards.  He didn't want me around.  Whatever. We have to cope with our lives.  Mine changed and he wanted no part of it.  It's hard to lose a great friend.  I've had to move on from all of mine.

I'll have future posts on other friends in Wisconsin and how I left our relationships.  Some are sad, some are embarrassing.  Thanks for reading.